Friday, December 11, 2009

The True Tiger ...

"Tony the Tiger" ... famous advertising mascot for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes (also known as Frosties) breakfast cereal, appearing for decades on its packaging and advertising ... more recently, Tony also became the mascot for Tony's Cinnamon Krunchers and Tiger Power ... born in 1952, Tony competed against three other potential mascots for the public's affection: Katy the Kangaroo (originated by Robert Dulaney in the early sixties), Elmo the Elephant, and Newt the Gnu ... within the year, the other mascots were dropped, with Elmo and Newt never once gracing the front of a cereal box.

Tony later fathered a son, "Tony Jr." ... then soon became a cereal icon ... in 1958, Tony appeared on Kellogg cereal boxes with Hanna-Barbera characters, such as Huckleberry Hound ... in the 1970s, consumers were briefly introduced to more of Tony's family including Mama Tony, Mrs. Tony, and a daughter, Antoinette ... Tony had a huge year in 1974, where he was deemed "Tiger of the Year" in an advertising theme taken from the Chinese Lunar Calendar ... in addition to Tony's success, during this decade, son Tony Jr. was even given his own short-lived cereal in 1975, Frosted Rice, then he made a comeback in the 2000's replacing his father as the official mascot ... the Tiger family has changed significantly over the years, as Tony the whimsical, cereal-box-sized tiger with a teardrop-shaped head was replaced by his fully-grown son Jr., who is now a sleek, muscular sports enthusiast.

Tony the Tiger was never limited to American Cereal boxes, appearing on Kellogg's European brand cereal boxes ... in 1996, the Kellogg Company filed suit against Exxon Corp. (now ExxonMobil) claiming that the use of the Exxon tiger figure to sell food at TigerMart convenience stores infringed and diluted Kellogg's Tony the Tiger trademark ... in 2000, the Supreme Court let stand an appellate court decision allowing Kellogg to sue, even though both trademarks had co-existed without complaint for 30 years ... the appellate court held that the theory of "progressive encroachment" could explain and justify Kellogg's failure to take action earlier.
During the continuing, decades-long existence of Tony the Tiger, and the entire Tiger family, as countless celebrity figures and other renowned characters were fraught with controversy and scandal before the glaring scrutiny of the public eye ... Tony the Tiger has remained a wholesome family tiger ... one of our most shining standards of integrity - loyalty - honesty - and solid moral fabric ... a tiger blazing an ideal trail of appropriate social behavior and good character that any parent should be more than pleased to have their child follow ... the true tiger ... Tony the Tiger! ... He's GGGGRRREEEEEEAT!!!!!!! ... and has never cheated on his wife ...


Thursday, December 3, 2009

Welcome To Walmart! ...

I don't know about you, but I'm so tired of hearing about those White House "crashers" that I've thought about jettisoning my TV and radio right out the window ... I could care less why Michaele and Tareq Salahi did it, I reckon they're simply of the same ilk as "balloon boy's" parents - media hounds looking for their own reality TV show - or seekers of quick fame and easy fortune any way they can get it ... no my question is, if the couple actually managed to gain access to the White House dinner as "uninvited guests" - how were they able to get past White House staffers and Secret Service security procedures? ... if I were the President, I would be more than a bit hot under the collar ... what if their intent had been to harm the President or others?

If I were the President, and if Michaele and Tareq Salahi were discovered to have broken any law associated with crashing that White House dinner ... they would now be facing criminal charges ... immediately arrested ... forthwith jailed ... prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law ... tried in a court of law ... and if found guilty ... magically transformed from uninvited White House guests to inmates of one of our fine federal correctional facilities ... then provided with free transportation to that facility ... that would be that.

More importantly, if I were the President, and if Michaele and Tariq Salahi did actually manage to maneuver their way past those White House staffers and Secret Service Agents - as it's being reported to the press, and as presented to the public ... I would be extremely concerned with my safety ... so consequently, those White House staffers and Secret Service Agents which allowed the Salahis to slip past them uninvited, would immediately find themselves standing in the unemployment line seeking a career more suitable to their experience, ability and skill ... maybe some of them could become Border Patrol Agents - they are required to deal with countless "uninvited guests" on a daily basis ... or how about this ... some could hire on as Walmart greeters .... I can hear it now -- "Attention Walmart shoppers -- please welcome the Salahis!"


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Shots Fired! ...

Ever since Grandpa DooLittle swilled too much hard apple cider, which triggered his frightening run in with the Devil out in the barn, Grandpa decided to move his remaining supply of cider and a fresh batch of homemade elderberry wine into Luther DooLittle's barn for safe storage ... and for safer sippin' ... and he reckoned he had the perfect plan for doing just that ... Grandpa had recently sold a truckload of hay to Luther, and planned on hauling it over to Luther's place on his old, barely road-worthy flatbed truck, which he had already loaded beyond capacity with hay ... just beneath the wooden bed of the truck, between the metal frame and the exhaust pipes, were hidden two stone jugs containing what was left of the hard apple cider, along with twenty-two, one-gallon plastic milk jugs filled with the homemade wine ... Grandpa DooLittle knew that Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter would be lurking somewhere alongside the highway near the foot of the long grade that wound up the side of Snipe Mountain, usually hidden behind the big Sunbeam Bread billboard ... motorists would either coast downhill too fast, or try to get a running start uphill, so it was Sheriff Clarence's favorite spot for a speed trap ... more importantly, Grandpa didn't want Grandma DooLittle to know anything about the transfer of the spirits, she thought Grandpa had sworn off drinking and dumped everything he had into the trough with the hogs' slop ... so the old man waited until sunset, and departed under cover of darkness.

It was an uneventful trip as Grandpa motored along careful not to exceed the posted speed limit or make any illegal maneuvers with the unsteady old truck ... as he neared the base of Snipe Mountain he thought about building up some speed to make it easier to climb the grade, but the overloaded, vintage machine wasn't capable of such, not with that heavy load of hay even if he'd tried, so Grandpa downshifted a couple of gears lower and let the truck grind up the hill at its own pace ... with no sign of Sheriff VanMeter anywhere ....... until Grandpa heard the screaming siren and saw the flashing blue lights behind him ... he wondered why in blue blazes the Sheriff would be stopping him, he couldn't think of any immediate laws that had been broken ... then he remembered ... the truck's taillights ... they never had worked! ... so Grandpa pulled to the side of the road, knocked the truck out of gear, set the parking brake and waited as the Sheriff's big V8 pulled up behind him.

Well, Sheriff VanMeter climbed out of his car and slowly approached Grandpa's truck, ticket book in hand ... the Sheriff had known Grandpa all his life, and intended on letting him off with just a warning ... just as Clarence walked up even with the rear of the truck -- one of those plastic jugs filled with wine, which had heated up and expanded due to the tremendous heat from the truck's exhaust pipes, along with the natural fermentation process -- exploded! ... BOOOOOOOMM! ... ol' Clarence ran back to his car, grabbed the mic from his antiquated Motorola police radio and yelled "Shots fired! ... Shots fired!! ... Bring help!!! ... then he pulled his pistol and took cover by belly-flopping right there on the ground beside of his car ... he couldn't imagine why in the world Grandpa DooLittle would be shooting at him like that ... over taillights that never had worked! ... then those other jugs started popping ... Booom! .. booom! ... boom booom booooomm!!!

Grandpa DooLittle couldn't imagine why on earth Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter would be shooting at him like that either ... over taillights that never had worked! ... so he sprawled out across the seat and took cover ... BOOOOOOM! .. BOOOOOOOMM!! ... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!! ... now Sheriff VanMeter's only Deputy, and first cousin Cletus A. VanMeter had heard the Sheriff's broadcast over his two-way radio, but those army surplus radios had always been hard to hear and transmitted more static than anything else rendering them nearly useless ... so Deputy Cletus had misunderstood, and thought the Sheriff had said that he was "Hungry and tired! ... Hungry and tired!! ... Bring lunch!!! ... so Cletus had taken his good ol' time getting there with cheeseburgers and chocolate milkshakes he'd picked up from the diner on the way.
In the meantime, after all twenty-two plastic jugs had finished emptying their contents onto the side of the highway, a steady stream of warm, red elderberry wine had oozed down the shoulder of the road and drenched Sheriff VanMeter who had been lying there on the ground during the "shootout" ... when Clarence realized that he was lying in a pool of warm liquid, he switched on his flashlight to discover that it was a bright red, warm substance, well he thought he had been shot and forthwith passed out! ... when Deputy Sheriff Cletus A. VanMeter finally arrived on the scene with the burgers and shakes in hand, he found Grandpa DooLittle shaking like a leaf and slumped across the seat of his truck ... twenty-two empty plastic jugs along with a pool of fresh homemade elderberry wine spilled all over the side of the road ... and most shockingly unbelievable was the sight of his cousin and boss Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter lying there face down on the ground drenched in elderberry wine ... and passed out cold! ... Cletus shook the daylights out of ol' Clarence in an attempt to wake him from his stupor, but the Sheriff appeared to be skidded beyond repair ... Cletus stood up, peered down at one of the most upstanding and respected men in the entire county then said ... "Clarence A. VanMeter ... you might be my cousin and the High Sheriff ... it's no great surprise that Grandpa DooLittle is lying over there three sheets to the wind ... but you ought to be ashamed of yourself ... drinkin' on the job like that ... you're a lawman for cryin' out loud!"


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Pardon Me Please? ... A Turkey's Tale ...

Thomas T. "Tommy" Turkey here ... I'm gonna cut right to the chase ... a while back, that whinin' complainer Jack O' Lantern was cryin' the blues about how punkins are murdered and mistreated in the precedin' days leadin' up to and includin' Halloween ... well Jack ought to try livin' the life and dyin' the death of an American turkey ... then Jack would have somethin' to complain about ... we turkeys endure mistreatment and mayhem year round, not just durin' the holidays ... we get no respect even though we been around as long as those punkins have ... we was livin' here in America long before Columbus and them Pilgrims landed on that rock and discovered America ... that's when the trouble began ... when them Pilgrims showed them Native Indians how to prepare us turkeys, along with some dressin' and gravy in exchange for some sweet taters and corn, life was never again the same for the American turkey ... I reckon that feast was necessary to prevent those Indians from scalpin' those Pilgrims, and to prevent those Pilgrims from shootin' those Indians, I ain't really sure ... but us turkeys got the short end of that stick! ...

Are you aware that at one time us turkeys and those bald eagles was both considered as America's national symbols? ... back then, Benjamin Franklin was really pullin' for us turkeys ... he thought even though we was silly and vain, we was a better choice for the national symbol than those "cowardly" bald eagles ... well I think so too ... them Pilgrims and them Native Indians could just as easily have had roasted bald eagle for that Thanksgivin' feast, along with bald eagle dressin' and bald eagle gravy ... and so should you people ... besides, those bald eagles are much better lookin' than us turkeys ... not as dry and probably tastier too ... each year durin' Thanksgiven' alone, nearly 50 million of us birds are murdered, cooked and consumed ... and another 250 million of us meet with the very same fate durin' the rest of the year ... a travesty indeed ...

Each year since 1947, the National Turkey Federation and the Poultry and Egg National Board have given one of us turkeys to the President of the United States at a White House ceremony ... since then, presidents have been more likely to eat us rather than grant a reprieve ... one notable exception occurred in 1963, when President Kennedy, referring to the turkey given to him, said, "Let's just keep him" ... it wasn't until the first Thanksgivin' of President George H.W. Bush, in 1989, that a turkey was officially pardoned for the first time ...

Presidents Bill "Slick Willy" Clinton and George "Dubya" Bush have continued the turkey pardons begun under the first ol' Bush ... some confusion about the true origin of this practice has crept into recent presidential speeches ... one story claims that Harry Truman pardoned a turkey called "Veep" given to him in 1947, but the Truman Library has been unable to find any evidence of this ... another story claims the tradition dates back to Abraham Lincoln pardoning his son Tad's pet turkey "Hannibal" ... what's certain is that since 1989 a turkey -- and its alternate -- have been pardoned each year ... an alternate is chosen just in case the first bird is unable to perform its duties, as if that's going to happen! ... for fifteen years through 2004, the pardoned turkeys were given to Kidwell Farm, a petting zoo at Frying Pan Park in Herndon, Virginia ... those fortunate turkeys would receive a last minute pardon before arriving, and were then led to their new home at the Turkey Barn after enduring a turkey "roast" full of poultry humor and history ... in 2005 and 2006, however, the turkeys were flown to Disneyland in California where they served as honorary grand marshals for Disneyland's Thanksgivin' Day parade ... after that, they spent the rest of their lives at a Disneyland ranch ... a spot in sunny Disneyland seems immensely preferable to a place called Frying Pan Park if you happen to be one of us turkeys who has just escaped from becoming the main course of somebody's Thanksgivin' feast! ...

On Wednesday, November 26, 2008, President Bush gave two of my cousins, "Pumpkin" and "Pecan," a last-minute reprieve ... they both hailed from Ellsworth, Iowa, and were raised under the most pleasant of environments ... back then, the American public was allowed to vote for their favorite turkeys on the White House web site ... durin' 2007, my uncle "May" and aunt "Flower" were both spared ... in 2006, grandpa "Flyer" and grandma "Fryer" escaped the roasting pot ... back in 2005 my sister "Marshmallow" and my brother "Yam" were permitted to see many more sunrises ... and way back durin' 2004, both of my parents, "Biscuit" and "Gravy" were sent back to the roost ... we sure have been a lucky family ...

So, Mister President, durin' this upcomin' Thanksgivin' season ... don't you think it's about time for some real "Change!?" ... let my people go! ... grant a presidential pardon to all of us turkeys!! ... and especially -- pardon me -- please?? ... gobble! - gobble! ... gobble! - gobble!! - gobble!!! ...

UPDATE: Tommy Turkey loses bid for last-minute Thanksgiving pardon - his cousins "Courage" and "Carolina" were mercifully selected instead - may Tommy baste in peace!


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Leon Takes The Fall ...

Ol' Blue's hapless escapade in the story "Sloughfoot's Ghost" brings to memory yet another calamitous incident involving a canine, Luther DooLittle's own Redbone coonhound called "Leon" ... with Luther DooLittle's Redbone ... his Mama Mamie's white poodle known as "Minnie" ... and Grandpa DooLittle's Bluetick affectionately named "Blue" ... the DooLittle clan appeared to be one of the most patriotic families in the county ... anyhow, Luther borrowed his daddy's old Dodge pickup truck, reason being that he and Lamar Beefeater were going to haul a load of firewood to the Widow VanMeter's place on the other side of town, but in actuality the boys were going to transport 10 gallons of the widow's homemade "tonic," hide it in the root cellar behind Lamar's house ... then just sip on it occasionally ... so Luther boosted Leon up into the cab of the truck, then he climbed in, slid beneath the wheel, and off to Lamar's place they sped ... after picking up Lamar, the trio proceeded to the Widow VanMeter's house and acquired the tonic, then they headed back toward town -- sipping all the way!

Needless to say, by the time the boys made it back to the Beefeater's root cellar to hide what was left of their cargo, they were really feeling their oats -- and the affects of all that "greased lightning" they'd been drinking ... well Luther reckoned he should get back to the house forthwith with his daddy's truck, which was probably a good idea, in theory ... however, Luther's sense of time and space as it related to his position in the universe was playing tricks on him as he weaved back and forth up the road as fast and as hard as that tired Dodge truck would allow ... unfortunately, none of this went unnoticed by the Widow VanMeter's nephew, Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter, who was hidden as usual behind a huge billboard at the edge of the highway which advertised Sunbeam enriched bread.

Now Clarence was a fairly proficient sheriff, as sheriffs go ... however, Clarence A. VanMeter was nearly as blind as a bat, and wore glasses with lenses as thick as the bottoms of glass Coke bottles ... consequently, Sheriff VanMeter was only able to determine that it was the DooLittle's rattletrap of a truck that had raced past him nearly peeling the big gold star from off the door of his police car, but he wasn't able to see who the driver was ... but Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter was now officially in hot pursuit! ... now it was just getting dark, and Luther could see the flashing blue lights behind him in his rear view mirrors, and could hear the shrill siren's mournful cry ... the pursuer and the pursued both had their respective peddles to the metal, but the sheriff's big V8 was beginning to close the gap between he and Luther ... luckily, at that moment, Luther turned off the paved highway onto the dirt road leading home, leaving Sheriff VanMeter in a cloud of choking, thick dust ... Luther slid the overheating, straining Dodge through the gate and onto the DooLittle lawn ... then jumped out, slammed the door shut behind him and ran toward the house to hide.

All the while, poor Leon the Redbone coonhound had been lying on the floorboard of the truck scared nearly out of his wits ... when Luther bailed out, he had forgotten all about his closest friend and prized huntin' dog, now trapped inside the cab of the truck ... I think you already know the rest of the story ... but for those who may not ... after the dust had settled and the sheriff had regained his regular composure, along with a smidgen of sight, he flew up that road and skidded to a halt right up against the bumper of the previously fleeing suspect vehicle ... then quickly jumped out to effect an arrest ... by this time, Luther's daddy had interpreted what was taking place, and had already apprehended Luther by the back of the neck, angrily jostling the intoxicated, stumbling young man along in the direction of the sheriff's flashing blue lights ... just as proud father and wayward son approached Sheriff VanMeter, who was now standing just outside the cab of the truck, Luther's daddy heard the sheriff say ... "and boy, it's a doggone good thing you ain't been drinkin' like your twin brother there, else you wouldn't be gettin' off with just a speedin' ticket ... you'd be on your way to jail!"


Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sloughfoot's Ghost! ...

Grandpa DooLittle often told frightening tales of a rogue black bear that had roamed the nearby countryside for the greater part of two decades ... a legendary and infamous creature affectionately known as "Sloughfoot" ... duly named for the elusive critter's propensity to prowl the thickets and bogs which bordered the entire length of a craggy trail which led from town all the way to the head of DooLittle Hollow, with sheer cliffs, towering spruce trees and moss covered boulders making up the landscape on the opposite side of the path ... anyhow, rumor had it that Sloughfoot would sleep for most of the day hidden in some secluded lair way back in the wetlands, then come out at night to forage for food which consisted of traveling salesmen, wayward children, drunkards, family pets, lost hikers, wild berries and fruit, or the contents of neighborhood garbage cans ... the most disconcerting thing about Sloughfoot's behavior was his tendency to silently stalk unwary wayfarers in the darkness as they traversed the hills and hollows, often following so closely behind these unsuspecting amblers that his warm, odoriferous breath could be felt against the backs of their necks ... hence, Ol' Sloughfoot had terrified more folks and been the inspiration for more vivid nightmares than even Lucifer himself ... although there were neither recollections nor confirmations that anybody had actually been harmed by the big Ursus americanus.

Luther DooLittle and his pal Lamar Beefeater were both definitely relieved when they heard the welcome news that Sloughfoot had been shot and killed by Luther's cousin Lester DooLittle during bear hunting season a couple years earlier ... although the bear's carcass had never been recovered as evidence, excuse being that it was too large and too far back in the bog for any reasonable recovery to be made ... at least that was the story being told, but you see, the DooLittle clan was known to manipulate the truth whenever it was to their advantage ... scores of hunters had come from miles around each year for the purpose of bagging Sloughfoot, only to return without as much as a sighting, so Lester DooLittle had become somewhat of a folk hero for ridding the community of this mangy, cantankerous menace of a beast ... and Sloughfoot hadn't been seen or heard from since reports of his alleged demise.

Well it was Halloween night, and Luther's daddy ordered Luther and Lamar to walk up to Grandpa & Grandma DooLittle's place to check on their well-being, and to make sure that none of the local hooligans had been causing the elderly couple any trouble ... they had lived in that ramshackle, little cabin in DooLittle Hollow for the past fifty years, with nobody to keep them company other than Grandpa's flea-bitten, old hound dog named Blue ... so up that miserable path trod Luther and Lamar, mindful of the days when Sloughfoot claimed that entire area as his domain ... the trek was uneventful, the boys found Grandpa and Grandma in a jovial mood and healthy as usual ... Grandma had been hanging the wash out to dry all afternoon, while Grandpa had nodded off and on for most of the day seated under an apple tree with Blue ... so after finding the DooLittles to be safe and sound, the boys each had a helping of Grandma's stuffed pumpkin with cranberry-raisin bread pudding and a huge chunk of homemade chocolate fudge, then set off toward home in the pitch-black darkness to report on their findings.

No sooner had the boys made it out of earshot of the DooLittle place, than they heard something sprinting down through the woods in the dry, fallen leaves toward them at a frenzied pace, huffing and puffing, snorting and snarling, popping it's jaws and breathing so hard it sounded like a roaring steam engine ... Lamar squinted his eyes in the darkness in an effort to see what it was coming toward them ... and there it was, a huge white form about the size of a young bull headed straight for them at full gait ... it had to be the ghost of ... SLOUGHFOOT!! ... Luther and Lamar raced down that path screaming like a couple of scalded chimpanzees, with whatever that thing was that was chasing them gaining on them at each footfall ... they hightailed it down that treacherous footpath in record time, Lamar leading by a nose for most of the way ... and more than once, Luther thought he felt something's hot breath and wet nose brushing against the back of his hand ... finally Luther's daddy's house came into view just as they thought they couldn't run another step further... in total exhaustion the boys landed on the front porch as Luther jerked open the door, and they came to rest up against the living room wall!

Luther's daddy was standing there arms folded in a state of immense dismay and perturbation, "What's wrong with you crazy boys?" he demanded! ... Luther breathlessly proclaimed that the ghost of Sloughfoot had chased them all the way down that dark and dreadful path from Grandpa DooLittle's house to the front door, and that Sloughfoot's wet nose had brushed against his hand more than once during the horrible pursuit ... then Lamar chimed in ... "Yes indeed Mr. DooLittle, it's true ... ol' Sloughfoot is standing out there on yer front porch right now a waitin' fer us ... look fer yerself!" ... Luther's daddy opened the door and peered out ... and there it stood ... he slowly closed the door, then turned and looked at the daffy pair lying there on the floor ... "Boys, I don't scare that easy ... now go take ol' Blue back up to your Grandpa before he misses him ... and take your Grandma's fresh washed bedspread off him too!"


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lamar Goes Green ...

I've often told of the many overtly hapless inventions of one extremely innovative young man by the name of Lamar Beefeater ... such as the time he and Luther DooLittle blew the roof clean off Henry Beefeater's corncrib ... consequently, Henry had sternly advised the boys that they would be responsible for the cost of material and labor for the repair and/or restoration of that entire roof, and demanded that work commence at once ... more pressing was the prerequisite that the job be completed within two days, or else ... it was "or else" that had Lamar and Luther more than a bit concerned for their immediate bodily safety and future well-being ... anyhow, those boys gave it their best shot, but by noon of the second day, realization that they were no where close to completing the job within the prescribed time frame began to simmer in their young minds ... along with desperation, which was nearly at the boiling point ... Lamar had to think of a way to speed things up and get that roof done, and fast ... if they just had one of those fancy pneumatic nail guns like real carpenters use, they just might be able to pull it off ... but they didn't have one of those fancy pneumatic nail guns ... so Lamar decided to invent one ... he went in the house and retrieved his daddy's prized Winchester Supreme Field double-barreled, over and under 12-gauge shotgun ... took two 3-inch magnum shells loaded with buckshot, pried open the ends of those shells and emptied out the buckshot onto the ground ... he then inserted those 2 shells still loaded with gunpowder into the chambers of that big shotgun and slammed it shut ... then he took a box of galvanized roofing nails and dumped the entire boxful down its cannon-sized barrels ... he then yelled up to Luther DooLittle, who was perched precariously at the top of a wooden extension ladder which was leaning against the edge of the roof ... "now hold that sheet of metal roofin' real steady while I nail'er in place" ... before Luther had time to declare any protestations, Lamar raised the old Winchester and squeezed both triggers ... I reckon you fellers don't need me to go any further with this story ... but I will say that it took the fire department and paramedics nearly an hour to pry ol' Luther off the side of that corncrib ... both boys would have been much better off had they simply settled for Henry Beefeater's "or else" ...

That brings me to this ... Lamar's latest brainstorm ... the windmill ... Lamar informed his daddy how he had been hearing all these discussions about global warming, destruction of the ozone layer and overall polluting of the environment worldwide ... so he had settled on the conclusion that he should do his part to help conserve our non-renewable natural resources, and produce sustainable free and clean energy, thus saving the planet from total and utter destruction ... Lamar Beefeater was going green! ... he had engineered a grand plan to construct a big windmill just adjacent to the barn for the purpose of producing enough energy to power all the lights and small electrical appliances in the entire neighborhood ... at first, Henry Beefeater had his doubts, but thought maybe his son just might be onto something positive and productive for a change, so he granted Lamar permission to proceed with the project ... and with the reluctant assistance of his friends Luther DooLittle and little Ansel Poteet, Lamar worked nearly day and night for 2 straight weeks before finally finishing the 30-foot-tall behemoth, and was now ready to reveal the contraption to anxious neighbors ... and to his daddy Henry ... so Lamar had everybody gather round his newly constructed apparatus while Henry Beefeater just stood there staring up at its huge green blades -- blades which were not moving ... then Henry asked ... "so Lamar, how much wind does it take before those blades turn enough to produce electricity?" ... with a wounded look on his weary face Lamar replied ... "what do you think I am, stupid? ... I've got that figured out too ... if the wind can't turn those blades, this will! ... just take a look inside the barn" ... as he proudly flung open the barn doors to reveal a 1000 gallon capacity diesel fuel storage tank, which he had painted green, and a 600 horsepower Caterpillar diesel engine, also painted green, with green wires and green gearboxes and green rods and green axles and green pulleys all of which were running out the side of the barn all the way and connected to ... the green windmill ... in his own unique way, Lamar had sincerely gone green! ...


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Urgent Commentary by Jack O' Lantern ...

Jack here ... listen ... my pal Jack Squat just posted a story about how everybody deserves to be kept safe from those who would do them harm ... I agree ... and how certain groups can now safely walk the streets and sleep in their beds at night without fear of harm ... all well and good ... however, what about us Pumpkins??

Each year, as turning leaves begin to splatter the hills with brilliant colors and a crisp chill fills the autumn air, millions upon millions of us pumpkins are dissected, eviscerated and carved into all sorts of weird and hideous shapes and forms ... then to add insult to injury, we're placed on stoops and window sills, usually with burning candles stuck inside of us, and our innards are used to make pies and other various and sundry treats ... oh the pain and humiliation! ... talk about your hate crimes, this is nothing less than blatant discrimination, commercial exploitation, overt violation of civil rights, systematic genocide and murder.

Year after year, I've been forced to sit idly by in my pumpkin patch and helplessly watch countless Cucurbita pepos and autumn squashes being violently severed from their vines and taken away screaming in terror as the stark realization of their tragic fates overcame them ... a particularly agonizing and atrocious event of this nature took place right here last fall ... it saddens me to talk about it, but ... my Uncle Girth, ever the jovial sort, who sat here all last year while being fattened up by Farmer Joe, was without warning loaded onto a flatbed truck by a forklift, paraded all over town, displayed at the county fair ... then ... sorry ... give me a minute ... then poor Girth was sliced and gutted, his innards saved for pie making ... then carved to look like some ugly monster, and put on display for Halloween in the center of the town square ... but the worst part of all that was the impact it had on the local children ... Uncle Girth always loved the children, and was delighted to be in their company ... they would come to the pumpkin patch from miles around just to see him, and have their pictures taken with the big fellow sitting in the background ... but after Uncle Girth was unmercifully carved up to look like a grotesque bogeyman, all the kids were scared to death of him, and would cry and run away from him screaming at the tops of their lungs, while their parents would laugh cruelly and point their fingers at him in disdain ... Girth was then left there all alone to rot away ... so sad!

Here's the gist of my complaint ... the government has taken measures to protect certain groups, so in the interest of fairness and equal rights, why not give us pumpkins some of that protection too? ... stop the madness! ... give us a break, go back to the days when turnips -- rutabagas -- gourds -- potatoes -- beets and other ignoble vegetables were misused as Halloween decorations or to appease evil spirits ... use those cheap, plastic versions from Walmart ... or simply sit there with a hot, smoking candle in your own big mouth ... and frighten the children yourself!!

This has been a pumpkin service announcement from Jack O' Lantern --sja

Friday, October 23, 2009

Commentary By Jack Squat ...

"Senate passes measure that would protect gays -- Obama expected to sign legislation on hate crimes"

I sure am glad to hear that Obama and his administration are moving above and beyond in their efforts to protect gays & lesbians ... hell, in the interest of fairness, all human beings deserve to be kept safe from those who would do them harm ... but ... according to the government, gays & lesbians now deserve a bigger slice of that fairness than the rest of us ... I suppose laws already in place that should keep the general public safe just wasn't good enough for that crowd.

Just yesterday, in Florida, another innocent child was found murdered ... the lifeless body of a 7-year-old girl (Somer Thompson) who had been missing since Monday, obviously abducted while walking home from school, was found discarded like a sack of garbage in a filthy landfill ... that little angel, along with countless others who fall victim to similar shameful acts, certainly deserve a bigger slice of fairness and protection than what they've received ... wouldn't you say?

America -- get your priorities straight! ... no individual or group, regardless of race, color, creed, sexual orientation or political affiliation deserves special, preferential treatment above and beyond any other individual or group ... ALL human beings deserve to be kept safe from those who would do them harm ... Barack Obama and that bunch in Washington have shown us just where their priorities lie ... so now that they've made sure that those in the gay & lesbian culture can safely walk the streets and sleep in their beds at night without fear of harm -- how about affording that same level of protective covering to our irreproachable and powerless children???

How about protecting the children rather than the predator? ... how about enforcing laws already on the books, or enacting sufficient, new laws that will get these rapists, kidnappers, pedophiles, murderers and all lowlife weirdos, who live and breathe to do nothing other than hurt our children, the hell off our streets and far away from decent folk? ... how about seating judges who possess the courage, character and brass to avail themselves to the severest extent of the sentencing guidelines already in place for these crimes against humanity, and put these habitual scumbags in their place? ... jail ... prison ... a deserted island ... or a grave -- and that ain't just Jack Squat!

UPDATE: The body of another missing child, 9-year-old Elizabeth Olten, has been found in Missouri ...


Monday, October 19, 2009

Hoax? ...

Maybe I shouldn't share bare details as to the following tragic event, but the recent media frenzy created by Falcon "balloon boy" Heene, who was supposedly carried helplessly adrift for miles, thousands of feet up in the air, reminded me of a similar, yet equally unfortunate incident which took place many years ago.

Maude Beefeater had contracted an extremely severe case of the green apple trots, or for you more refined folk ... diarrhea ... and back in those days, the Beefeaters had yet to avail themselves of indoor plumbing, and their only "facility" was a wooden outhouse which sat down at the edge of the creek, just downstream a tad from where they retrieved their potable water ... unfortunately, the placid, little brook was prone to flashflooding, thus the trusty privy had been washed away several times in the past ... a frantic search would then ensue until the homemade loo was located, toted back to the edge of the creek and set back on it's foundation.

Back to Maude's conundrum ... poor thing had been out to the toilet that day too many times to count ... just when she reckoned things had calmed down a bit, she heard another growl and felt another tremor, within and below ... she jumped up from the kitchen table and darted out the door for yet another urgent laxation ... well it was pouring down the rain by the bucketfuls, had been all day, and relief stood nearly 200 feet away ... Maude knew she couldn't make it that far before letting go, so she ran behind the corncrib ... boosted her skirt ... lowered her knickers ... grasped the side of the crib ... then quickly assumed the squating position ... that's when Maude ... and Henry ... and Lamar ... and just about everybody else living up that hollar heard a most frightening rumble and roar, like a locomotive rolling down between the ridges ... Flashflood!! ... Maude braced herself real good, then proceeded with the business at hand, while that raging water turned the tinkling waterway into a violent torrent of mayhem and destruction.

After a few minutes, the deluge was over, and the angry stream had returned to it's normal gait ... the big water had gone ... and so had the old outhouse ... Henry and Lamar ran outside to check on Maude and survey the damage ... goodness! ... Maude had gone to the outhouse ... the outhouse was gone ... Maude was gone ... Maude was inside the outhouse ... Maude and the outhouse had most assuredly been swept down the creek ... without a paddle ... goodness! ... Henry screamed ... "Laaamarrrr! ... go dial 9-1-1 ... the number's writ down right next to the phone!"

To capsulize a potentially long-drawn-out, see-through story ... a despairing, although fruitless search was conducted ... everybody in the hollar gathered with the Beefeaters back at the Beefeater place to mourn the loss of Maude, and the outhouse ... only to discover Maude sitting there in the kitchen wondering why everybody was so sorrowful, and if they'd found her cherished privy ... the sheriff was fixin' to arrest ol' Henry and Lamar for "facilitating" a hoax and for wasting their time and resources, until Maude explained the true particulars of what had just transpired ... sort of like "balloon boy" ... only different.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lamar Lands A Sea Monster ...

I reckon I'll tell you fellers another story about my ol' friend Lamar Beefeater, Henry T. Beefeater's son ... so go ahead and settle in, 'cause it might take a while ... now then ... not only was Lamar a self ascribed inventor ... he was also an inveterate thief ... and to make matters worse ... Lamar was also a connoisseur of fine tobaccos, along with some of the cheap stuff too ... especially when it was Henry Beefeater's fine tobaccos, which Henry kept hidden beneath a stack of underwear in his dresser drawer ... however, Lamar's cravings for the herbaceous plant, combined with his habitual proclivity for "borrowing" other folks' stuff, would soon bring about a passel of frightful events for the ambitious, albeit dissolute young man ... each time Henry caught Lamar in possession of any of his beloved private stock of "baccy" ... he would forthwith drag Lamar out to the wood shed for some lessons on not stealin' and not chewin' ... however, these lessons weren't producing the desired affect ... so Lamar's daddy cogitated and cerebrated as to a positive solution to this puzzling conundrum ... now Henry Beefeater wasn't all that concerned about the stealing ... because he too was known to have sticky fingers on various and convenient occasions ... oh no ... the thing that bothered Henry most was that Lamar was constantly pilfering "his" tobacco ... and Henry T. Beefeater was getting fed up to the gills with the situation ... somehow he had to convince Lamar to stop chewing altogether ... and he thought that maybe he had figured out how to go about doing just that ... he knew Lamar had a morbidly dreadful fear of ghoulish creatures and monsters of all sorts ... that bit of inside knowledge had given Henry T. a potentially brilliant idea ... the next time he apprehended Lamar stealing his baccy ... he would tell the up-and-coming larcenist that if he continued his crooked ways, he would no doubt turn into a slimy sea monster, or worse ... likely doomed to swim around in some murky lake or ocean all by his lonesome for the remainder of his miserable existence ... and it worked! ... for a while.

There was another unscrupulous character who resided nearby by the name of Lester DooLittle, cousin to Luther DooLittle, Lamar's good friend ... now Lester was a well-known and infamous town fixture, and close yokefellow of Lamar's ... now Lester was nothing more than an older, seasoned version of Lamar ... and he too was an aspirant thief ... and he loved his baccy ... or your baccy if he could get his hands on it ... well one night the old general store got robbed ... so when the high sheriff arrived, he discovered the only items missing were two cases of Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco and a roll of Copenhagen snuff ... case cracked! ... the sheriff went straightaway to Lester DooLittle's place, and there he sat on his front porch with what was left of those two pillaged cases of chewing tobacco and that plundered roll of snuff ... 'ol Lester was wearing this big ol' grin, while at the same time trying to hold in a whole bagful of tobacco and an entire canful of snuff within his stretched out cheeks ... to make a long story short ... Lester DooLittle got to spend the next eight months as a guest of the county jail ... and while most of the town folk knew what Lester's fate was ... the only thing Lamar knew was that Lester DooLittle had robbed the general store ... Lester had took a bunch of tobacco ... Lester had chewed nearly all of that tobacco ... Lester had got caught ... and Lester had mysteriously disappeared ... consequently, Lamar had settled on the solid conclusion that because of the tobacco caper, Lester DooLittle had without a doubt been turned into a slimy sea monster, or worse ... and was now most likely doomed to swim around out there in some murky lake or ocean all by his lonesome for the rest of his miserable existence.

I'm getting close to the finale of it all now ... a couple weeks later, Lamar and Ansel Poteet, another of Lamar's best pals, reasoned out that they should squander away the afternoon in some productive fashion, so they proceeded down to the Beefeater's farm pond for a hearty bout of catfishin' ... the boys skillfully angled all afternoon without as much as a nibble ... it seemed as though those fish were nervous about something ... spooked even ... so Lamar tossed his trusty bamboo pole down on the grassy bank, reached into the ragged hip pocket of his vintage Round House bibs, and pulled out a brand-new, shiny poke of Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco ... "Where'd you git that?" enquired Ansel ... Lamar just grinned as he replied, "Out of my ol' pappy's dresser drawer" ... "But won't that cause you to turn into a monster, or something worse, like your daddy warned you about??" replied Ansel ... "Pure bunk!" snapped Lamar, as he loaded the entire bag of fresh, moist tobacco into his mouth and began working up some juice ... just when he had worked up a good spit they heard Mr. Beefeater's old Dodge pickup rattling up the dirt road leaving behind a trailing cloud of thick dust as it bounced along ... "Shucks!" ... "What am I going to do now?" Lamar screamed ..." If pappy catches me with this chaw, he just might kill me good this time!"... "Hurl 'er over in the pond!" cried Ansel ... so Lamar spit out that big wad right onto the palm of his hand, then with little time for thought, set that vile chaw firmly onto the big treble hook which was attached to his fishing line ... which also sported three or four heavy lead weights and a bright red and yellow, plastic bobber ... he then drew back and with all his might cast that contraption all the way out into the middle of the pond, where it landed with a loud clunk, then it slowly settled down to the bottom with nothing but that bobber visible above the surface of the muddy water ... and just in the nick of time ... 'cause there stood Henry Beefeater ... "Any luck boys?" Henry asked ... "No!" they answered in unison ... "Well you fellers better call it a day, and come on up to the house for some supper" ... and as Henry T. turned to walk away, there was the biggest commotion out there in the middle of that pond that had ever been heard or seen in those parts ... Lamar's bright red and yellow, plastic bobber had completely disappeared, and he was holding onto his trusty bamboo pole for dear life as something big was trying to drag him and his fishing gear right out into the water ... Henry Beefeater ran down to the edge of the pond and grabbed Lamar around the waist while yelling "Reel him in boy, reeeel him in!" ... and with the help of Ansel Poteet, after nearly an hour of tusslin' with whatever it was on the other end of that line, they drug an enormous beast up out of the water and onto the sedgy bank ... a beast later determined to be nothing more than an angry Great Northern Pike ... unfortunately, neither Lamar Beefeater nor Ansel Poteet had ever known of such a critter, nor had they ever had the displeasure of actually seeing one with their own eyeballs ... I reckon some of the local juvenile delinquents had caught the hideous leviathan at the lake, then slipped it into Henry Beefeater's farm pond as a practical joke ... the creature was probably more than five feet long, and even homelier than Lamar ... and there lying just inside it's jutted out jaw was that big chaw of "baccy" still stuck to the treble hook which was now solidly embedded in it's fat lip ... needless to say ... when Lamar saw that big wad of tobacco, in what he most assuredly thought was the mouth of a sea monster ... he turned as pale as a new, white bed sheet ... then nearly passed out ... but before he could lift as much as an eyebrow ... he looked that grand and wondrous mammal straight in the eyes, and ruefully exclaimed ... "I sure am glad to see ya agin ... Lester DooLittle!"


Friday, October 9, 2009

"The Greatest Show On Earth!" ...

I ran into my lifelong pal Henry Beefeater who was accompanied by his delightful wife Maude over at the local Piggly Wiggly ... they were recounting an incredible story pertaining to another of their mutual son Lamar's more temerarious misadventures ... so, I will now undertake to convey to you said narrative for your likely edutainment and reading pleasure, verbatim ... seems as if Lamar and a small contingent of his most trustable friends had gone to take in Barnum & Bailey's "Greatest Show on Earth" under the marvellous, red & white "big top" which had been set up earlier that day in the center of town square ... as the boys were unknowingly standing there wide-eyed in a mixture of straw, sawdust and elephant droppings, obviously enthralled with various beasts which were obediently doing stunts under the watchful eyes of their handlers, and as talented circus performers did their amazing acts, an extremely spiffy, well-dressed ringmaster walked right up to ol' Lamar and offered him a job with the circus ... Lamar eagerly accepted, then anxiously enquired as to exactly what it was that had influenced Barnum & Bailey to make such a sudden and generous offer to an inexperient novice such as he ... the spiffy, well-groomed master of ceremonies explained to Lamar that he had been curiously observing him since he and his merry band of cohorts had first sauntered into the tent, and as a result of those astute observations , he was certain that the lanky lad would be an absolute natural for circus work ... Lamar then enquired as to suitable fashion and attire required for the job ... the distinguished gentleman informed him that the exact clothing he was wearing at that moment was ideally befitting of the task at hand, and that Lamar could begin work immediately, the only thing he had to do was walk around and simply be himself ... he could chat with folks ... entertain the children ... pet the animals ... and play with all the circus equipment.

Lamar was beside himself with excitement, and could hardly believe that anyone would actually pay him to just walk around and "simply be himself!" ... without hesitation, Lamar enthusiastically proceeded out into the middle of the huge, bustling ring amid the skilled acrobats, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, clowns and trapeze acts, and anon began trying out the circus equipment, wildly riding a clangorous motor scooter in tight circles near the edge of the big oval ... then he did the same with a tiny bicycle ... then, although unsuccessful and a bit humorous, he attempted to mount a tall unicycle ... moving rapidly along while bouncing an enormous beach ball ... then hopping on a pogo stick ... and finally, he and a very polite chimpanzee had grand fun together on a squeaky teeter-totter ... then Lamar commenced to pet the animals, such as musical donkeys, zebras and spirited horses ... geese, ducks, roosters and other funny looking birds ... tremendous elephants ... weird looking apes and monkeys ... frogs, dogs, lions, tigers, bears and a pair of what appeared to be black panthers ... a couple of the monkeys tried to bite him, but he never gave those big cats equal opportunity.

All circus goers seemed to really enjoy watching Lamar just walk around while having so much fun, and would laugh and carry on right along with him ... consequently, he ran right up amongst the crowd and quickly made a whole bunch of new friends ... and all the little kids especially enjoyed Lamar's company, and would laugh and chuckle 'till nearly breathless ... eventually, Lamar practically tuckered himself out on his first day of work, and was more than a little glad and relieved when it finally drew to a conclusion and all the nice folks had gone.

Then it struck Lamar ... during the excitement of landing his new career, he had forgotten to ask that nice ringmaster just what his pay would be ... so he located the fellow and enquired as to what his wages were for that day's work ... the stately, old ringmaster cast his sparkling eyes directly at an exhausted Lamar, and with a wry simper replied, "Well, I don't know what sort of wages you are expecting young man ... but it certainly won't be a cent more than our other 'CLOWNS' are paid!"


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Time Travelin' Machine ...

My favorite boyhood friend ... and self-proclaimed prolific inventor ... Lamar Beefeater ... who lived just down the road from our place, kept himself busy each summer in his daddy's workshop "inventin' stuff" ... ol' Lamar was disturbingly ambitious to a fault ... although his daddy Henry was ever asseverating the widely known fact that his son was four cents shy of a whole nickel as far as reasonable "cogitatin'" was concerned ... I had long before settled on the conclusion that limited reasonable cogitation just might have inflicted the entire Beefeater clan ... now the most precarious thing about Lamar's proclivity for "inventin' stuff" was that he would often request hands-on assistance from his pals ... upon whom he usually ended up casting blame for most of his unfortunate flops.

One lazy afternoon, Lamar came running breathlessly into our backyard and excitedly announced his latest idea for yet another invention ... he had affectionately dubbed it his "time travelin' machine" ... Lamar explained how he wanted to travel back in time to the 1932 World Series between the Yankees and Cubs ... "to see for hisself if the legend of Babe Ruth's 'called shot' was true or not," so I followed him back to his place and cautiously entered the "lab" ... there in the center of the workshop's slanted, plank floor sat an antiquated Model#10 Maytag wringer washing machine - with copper tub ... "ain't she a beaut!?" exclaimed Lamar ... he had already removed the wringer from the washer, and had flipped over his mama's big metal garbage can that she kept on the back porch, of which he had fabricated into a "time capsule," then he tethered that metal can to the washer with frayed cargo straps ... he had also attached the garbage can lid, which was to serve as an "escape hatch" to the "time capsule" with over-sized, galvanized barn door hinges ... he had bored two large holes in the side of the can to see through, and welded three metal coat hangers on its lid for aerials (just in case he encountered some friendly Martians) ... most interestingly though were the ten dozen or so Cherry bombs glued to the bottom of this contraption, all of which were wired to a single fuse ... Lamar explained that these were the "essential propellants" which would lift the grand machine far above the boundless heavens into timeless space, or, just really far! ... well, Lammy put on his brother's football helmet and his daddy's welding gloves, then proceeded to give me my instructions ... "after I git in and close the hatch, you plug it into the 'lectrc' socket... light that fuse ... then run!

"Then run!?" ... with a chuckle or two, I plugged the old Maytag into an extension cord that Lamar had strung all the way from the house ... and when that tired, old motor sprang to life, that machine began walking itself all across the crooked floor oscillating wildly while flinging Lamar around inside like a greased marble inside that copper tub ... I reckon Lamar hadn't thought to disengage the washer's agitator before "powering her up," at least that's my theory, scientifically speaking ... now all that dancing around made it nearly impossible for me to light that fuse, but I finally got it done, then I ran from that workshop as fast as my feet could carry me, just like Lamar had instructed ... just as I cleared the doorway I heard it ... "BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!" ... followed by several smaller booms ... some rattling noises ... a crash ... then a bit of agonized moaning ... as soon as the smoke cleared enough for me to breathe, I ran back in to check on Lamar ... what was left of the Maytag lie smoldering in a corner ... the garbage can had come to rest in another ... and there was a stunned and scorched Lamar Beefeater sprawled in the middle of the floor ... "where am I?" ... "what year is it?" ... "are you the Bambino?" ... "how far did I travel?" ... my reply ... "well ... maybe six or seven feet I reckon" ... Lamar removed the helmet from his throbbing head, glared up at me and in angry frustration declared ... "I just knew you'd mess it up somehow!!"


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Cash for Geezers ...

Rumor has it that the government is ready to unveil a new program similar to that of "cash for clunkers" which supposedly boosted sales for struggling, cash-strapped auto makers while removing older, gas-guzzling vehicles from our public highways. I'm sure most of you know how it worked. Certain pre-selected autos deemed "unacceptable" by the government for further use by consumers could be traded for certain new vehicles which were deemed "preferrable." In exchange for that "clunker," cash from $3,000 to $4,000 was given toward the purchase of a new, government approved automobile. The main requirement being the immediate destruction of said "clunker" by dumping a solution into it's running engine until it seized up.

Now there's more good news for the consumer ... in the interminable struggle to assure free healthcare for every living creature upon the face of the entire earth, a brand new program is ready for implementation ... "Cash for Geezers" ... that's right, "cash for geezers," eerily similar to "cash for clunkers." With this plan, any "geezer" deemed "worthless or useless" for further use may be turned over to the government in exchange for cash vouchers which must be used toward future healthcare expenses incurred by any consumer deemed preferrable. The ultimate goal of this innovative program is to rid the world of those folks who are draining the healthcare system like a busted sieve, thus easing the strain on healthcare providers and preventing it's ultimate collapse ... the only requirement being the pouring in of that "solution" ...


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Bleep'n Golden ...

Rod Blagojevich's hair is legendary -- and fodder for late night punch lines ... and now the befouled former governor's bushy locks have spawned a new line of hair care products. "Blago: It's Bleep'n Golden Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner" was launched by the owner of a suburban Chicago company after the idea came to him in a dream. "We're swamped," said Dennis Fath, owner of Delta Laboratories Inc. in Elk Grove Village ... "I don't know what to do. We're a very small company, and we've had over 200 orders today. And they're still coming in every minute."

It was essential, he said, that the product be volumizing in order to be faithful to the voluminous coif that inspired it. This is the first time Delta, which makes hair care products for other companies, has retailed it's own brand. "We made the bottles golden, so it's bleep'n golden," Fath said. "And we made them volumizing so you could look more like him. He has great hair -- no one can deny that."

Blago's publicist Glenn Selig said that his client has yet to try them. "He's aware of it yes, but he has not used it," Selig said. "We hope it passes the smell test." Selig said that Blagojevich will not be endorsing the products, but has no plans to put the kibosh on them, either. The bottles sell for $8 each or $15 for two at ... Delta Labs joins a long line of companies hoping to make a buck off of the indicted former governor.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

You Da Man! -- Motley Discourse ...

Manny: Hey Alex ... look, I picking too! ...

A-Rod: Manny you're gross ... I picking a guitar ... I picking a Yankee guitar ...

Manny: Look, recently, I saw a physician for a personal health issue, he gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give to me ...

A-Rod: You should have seen someone about your foul personal hygiene problems ... and a groomer!

Manny: Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy, just
like that stuff you took Alex.

A-Rod: Oh, you funny guy now huh? ... like I say before, I was under enormous pressure ... the weight of the world was on top of me ... I needed to perform ... perform at a high level ... every day ... things were loose ... a loosey goosey era.

Manny: Under the drug policy, that mistake is my responsibility ... I suspended feefty games!

A-Rod: But it was not my fault ... I was young ... I was stupid ... very stupid ... I was naive ... very naive.

Manny: I been advised not to say anything more for now ... I say just one other thing more ... I take and pass approximately feefteen drug tests during the past five seasons, I take full responsibility for what I do, unlike those other slyboots such as Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, Tejada, McGwire, Palmeiro and Bonds ... maybe even Slammin' Sammy Sosa ... and now you Alex Rodriguez!

Slammin' Sammy: Look here, I no take nothing illegal, only drink plenty water, see bottles? ... baseball been barry, barry good to me ... but my Binglish not barry good, I no understand good ... I go now ... tank you barry much ... Big Mac, I love you man!

McGwire: I love you too Sammy, you da man! ... but I'm not here to talk about the past ... I'm only here to be positive about this subject.

Sammy: No Big Mac ... you da man!

Barry Bonds: Hey guys ... does the clear and the cream make my head look BIG?

Sammy: No Barry ... your head look barry, barry good to me ... you da man!

Rafael Palmeiro: Let me start by telling you this ... there is absolutely nothing disproportionate about the size of Barry Bond's head in relation to his steroid enhanced body ... furthermore, I myself have never used steroids ... period!

Barry Bonds: You da man Raffy!

Roger Clemens: Look fellas, in case some of you might have misremembered ... steroids can cause heart problems ... and my family has a history of heart conditions, hell, my stepfather died from heart disease ... so it would be suicidal for me to even think about taking any of these dangerous drugs ... or to have an affair with that yucky Mindy McCready from the time she was of the age of 15 ... impossible! ... besides, does this look like the swollen gourd of a steroid user? ... I think not ... I'm da man!

A-Rod: I admit, I did take some kind of substance ... I was negligent ... very negligent ... I not really sure what the heck I took ... or which substances I'm guilty of taking ... I didn't ask the right questions ... I didn't ask any questions ... I needed to push to the next level ... a higher level ... I trusted the wrong people ... others were taking whatever it was that I was taking ... it was just too danged hot! ... blah, blah, blah ...

Manny: OK, enough already Alex, it's obvious that you are stupid ... anyhow, I want to apologize to Mister McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mister Joe Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization and to all the great Dodger fans ...

A-Rod: You better watch it man! ... I've played the best baseball of my career ... I've won some eeM Veee Peeees ... I've never felt better ... I'm very proud now ...

Manny: L.A. is special place to me ... I know everybody is disappointed in me ... so am I ... I'm real sorry about this whole situation ... mostly really sorry that I got caught ... you know, just Manny being Manny, etc ...

A-Rod: You da man Manny!

Manny: No, you da man Alex! ... you wanna go get a couple of those Dodger dogs?

Bud Selig: Look fellas, I can pick too ... wait up ... I want a Dodger dog ... MLB is buying! ... I'm not mad at you ... come on guys ... you are the men!

A-Rod: Pay no attention to anything those other losers say baby ... I love you Alex ... you are my eeM Veee Peeee ... you da man!


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Blago's Top 10 Career Options ...

Now that former Illinois Governor Rod "Blago" Blagojevich has unwillingly departed from public life into the world of the unemployed, (unless jailed), he will soon be embarking on the dubious journey of seeking some type of work in the private sector .. consequently, this has led to his possibly being tested for proper employment placement in order to create a personalized strategy directed at finding a fulfilling and financially rewarding career.

Below are my top 10 recommendations as to careers befitting of "Hot Rod's" previous employment record and experience:

10. Car salesman for Zastava Yugo - Get your Yugo
from Blago! ...
9. Traveling encyclopedia salesman ...
8. Telemarketer for Contact America ...
7. Auctioneer ...
6. Model for Barbers Only Magazine ...
5. Spokesman for Rogaine ...
4. Phone counselor for Liars Anonymous ...
3. Author a book entitled "Fraud and Corruption For Dummies!" ...
2. Circus clown ...
1. And my number one recommendation is ... "Inmate!"


Monday, September 14, 2009

Kidnapped ...

It's been quite some time since I last heard from Henry Beefeater, but I received a call from my ol' friend early this morning, and he was fit to be tied ... seems that his only son Lamar Beefeater, along with his pal Luther DooLittle had ran into a slight conundrum ...

Day before yesterday, Lamar and Luther had left the house on foot headed to the Mini-Mart in town to pick up some Beechnut chewing tobacco ... nearly two hours had passed sans their return, and Henry was beginning to get a bit concerned, for the little convenience store was barely a half mile from the Beefeater' home.

Henry was about to go looking for the pair when the phone rang ... on the other end was a frantic Luther DooLittle ... he had called from his new cell phone, and was sobbing and whining and begging Henry to send help ... Luther explained that he and Lamar were walking down the street when suddenly a dozen or so masked gunmen had kidnapped them, had bound their hands, and were holding them against their will in the backseat of a vehicle right in front of the Mini-Mart ... Luther said he feared the men would soon return and whisk them away never to be seen again ... please, please send help!

Henry immediately put Luther on hold and dialed 911 ... the 911 operator patiently listened to Henry's dilemma, at which time he also gave them Luther's cell number in case they should need it for any reason ... the 911 operator in turn relayed the information to the local police dispatcher so officers could be sent to the location ... the dispatcher informed the 911 operator that officers were already in that specific area on another call, and she would divert some of them forthwith to the Mini-Mart ... the police dispatcher put out the call to any officers in the vicinity of the Mini-Mart to respond ... luckily a police sergeant happened to be sitting just in front of the mart ... the sergeant told his dispatcher to give him the particulars on the call ... she repeated the information taken moments earlier in which two boys were allegedly kidnapped by masked gunmen, who had bound their hands, and were possibly holding them against their will in the backseat of a vehicle right in front of the Mini-Mart ... the boys were requesting help, for they feared the men would return at any moment and whisk them away never to be seen again ... the sergeant asked the dispatcher to call the victim's cell number for a possible update on the situation ... a few seconds later, the bewildered officer heard a phone ringing from his backseat ... after a long pause, the sergeant advised the dispatcher that the situation was under control, and the boys in question were safe ... they had been nabbed by masked and armed members of a police S.W.A.T. team ... hands now bound with cuffs ... sitting in the backseat of the his patrol car ... right in front of the Mini-Mart!

It was later determined that the boys fit the description of two young bandits who had robbed a liquor store just around the corner ... the S.W.A.T. team had mistakenly assumed that it was Luther and Lamar, thus arresting them both on the spot ... the real felons were later caught with loot in hand ... the hapless boys were cleared of all charges, then released to a very angry and embarrassed Maude and Henry Beefeater ... although there will likely be a bit of detention in store for Lamar Beefeater and his pal Luther DooLittle.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Deliverance ...

OK, listen up Peter Gammons ...
When I went to Texas I felt an enormous amount of pressure, cha cha ching ching ching!
The weight of the world was on top of me, cha cha ching ching ching!
I needed to perform, cha cha ching ching ching!
Perform at a high level, cha cha ching ching ching!
Every day, cha cha ching ching ching!
Baseball was a different culture then, cha cha ching ching ching!
Things were loose, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was young, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was stupid, cha cha ching ching ching!
Very stupid, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was naive, cha cha ching ching ching!
I wanted to prove I was worth being one of the greatest of all time, cha cha ching ching ching!
All time, cha cha ching ching ching!
I did take some kind of subb-stanc-ezz, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was a loosey-goosey era, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was neg-li-gent, cha cha ching ching ching!
I didn't ask the right questions, cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm not sure what the heck I took, cha cha ching ching ching!
Or what subb-stanc-ezz I'm guilty of taking, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was that $252 million contract's fault, cha cha ching ching ching!
I needed a push to the next level, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was too dang hot in Tex-as, cha cha ching ching ching!
I trusted the wrong people, cha cha ching ching ching!
I wasn't very careful, cha cha ching ching ching!
Since taking whatever it was that I took, cha cha ching ching ching!
Everybody else was taking subb-stanc-ezz, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've played the best baseball of my ca-reer, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've won some eeM-Veee-Peeee's, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've never felt better, cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm very proud now, cha cha ching ching ching!
That should be enough ex-cu-sezz for to-day, cha cha ching ching ching!
None of this was sup-posed to get out cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm filthy rich cha cha ching ching ching!
I've cancelled my subscription to Sports Il-li-stra-ted, cha cha ching ching ching!
Tha tha tha tha that's all for now folks, cha cha ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching! ... cha cha cha ...


Friday, September 11, 2009

Daschle's Limo Must Go ...

Daschle's on the go ... with driver and limo ... o'er highways fast & slow ... chuckling all the way ... horns on Caddies blow ... making spirits gleam ... it's too much fun to ride ... in a tax free limousine! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it is to ride in a tax free limousine!

A day or two ago ... I began my ride ... there was Barack Obama ... sitting by my side ... he said "you are kinda neat" ... "don't give up just yet" ... then he offered me a seat ... on his cabinet ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it is to ride in a tax free.....limousine!

Then only yesterday ... I could not take that ride ... reminded by some hacks ... I hadn't paid my tax!! ... so I wrote a great big check ... then dropped it in the mail ... oh well, what the hell ... it will keep me out of jail! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it was to ride in a tax free limousine!

Now everything's alright ... I've done nothing wrong ... Obama and I are tight ... and I'm singing a new song ... I've returned that Cadillac ... $140,000+ was the cost ... and I'll quickly snap right back ... cause my cabinet seat's not lost! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it was to ride in that tax free limousine! ...


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sutton Returns! ...

I've been told that the Atlanta Braves have entered into negotiations to bring back Don Sutton ... Donald Howard Sutton, born April 2, 1945, Clio Alabama ... played for: Los Angeles Dodgers (1966-1980, 1988), Houston Astros (1981-1982), Milwaukee Brewers (1982-1984), Oakland Athletics (1985), California Angels (1985-1987) ... inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1998 ...

Sutton was a model of consistency and durability throughout his 23-year major league career, winning 324 games and striking out 3,574 batters, while never missing his turn in the rotation for the Dodgers, Astros, Brewers, Athletics and Angels ... a four-time All-Star, he reached double figures in wins in 21 of his 23 seasons and struck out over 100 batters in each of his first 21 campaigns ... Sutton pitched in four World Series and posted five career one-hit games ...

According to Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda, "When you gave him the ball, you knew one thing - your pitcher was going to give you everything he had. You win as many games as he did, to me, that should be automatic Hall of Fame."

Don Sutton has some extremely impressive lifetime stats too: ERA 3.26 - W 324 - L 256 - PCT .559 - G 774 - IP 5,281.2 - SO 3,574 - BB 1,343 - SV 3 ... and although I wasn't able to find any mention of his having ever pitched for the Atlanta Braves, I suppose any pitcher with stats as lofty as Sutton's just might end up being the team's ace ... so I reckon I'm all for having him return to the Braves, if the price is right ... wait just a minute ... I need to research my stories a bit better ... I just read that the Braves are trying to bring Don Sutton back as a "Broadcast Announcer!" ... looks like I better leave this baseball reporting stuff up to somebody else ...


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Peace-loving" State? ...


•to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s particular form of radical Islam actually welcomes an apocalyptic war with the world. He believes in an Islamic messiah. His messiah is the Mahdi or 12th Imam. This messiah comes to rid the world of "infidels" after a cataclysmic confrontation with the West.

•to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and

Speech, Press, and Assembly -- free speech, as such, does not exist in Iran. Human rights activists and other perceived agitators are sometimes subject to beatings, arrests, torture, and disappearance.

Religious Expression -- the Islamic Republic of Iran is a religious institution with no secular concept of law. Those who convert from Islam to another faith may face execution for apostasy. Religious minorities are routinely subject to widespread persecution.

Women's Rights -- in Iran, women can vote and run for Parliament and are not prohibited from traveling freely, but they are also subject to police beatings and torture for violating perceived social norms, are not protected from domestic violence, and are discriminated against in other subtle ways (such as inheritance law).

Racism -- Arabs (who make up 3%) of the population, Azeris (who make up 24%), and Kurds (who make up 7%) are frequently subject to racial profiling and mass arrests at cultural functions. Although there are very few Jews in Iran, vicious antisemitism is also a serious problem.

Beatings, Arrests, Torture, and Executions -- Iranian police tend to respond to peaceful political demonstrations by viciously beating and arresting protesters, who are then subject to further beatings, torture, sexual assault, and denial of medical treatment in prison. Iran formally executed 94 prisoners in 2005, and many more died in prison under mysterious circumstances.

In June 2009, the Iranian government announced that Ahmadinejad had been reelected to a second (and, under term limits, final) term as president with two-thirds of the popular vote. Hundreds of thousands of Iranians protested the purported outcome of the election, which was not in keeping with projections or the public national mood, which favored the election of reformer Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Bowing to public pressure, the Ayatollah, who is the autocratic ruler of Iran, and subject to impeachment by the Assembly of Experts, initially ordered an investigation into the election results ... but the investigation resulted in a simple reassertion that Ahmadinejad was the victor, with no new evidence to back up the claim. Consequently, protesters took to the streets on June 19th, 2009, and were treated brutally by the Basij (paramilitary police). As many as 150 people died, journalists were expelled, and a human rights crisis ... and possible revolution is underway ... the situation is ongoing.

•to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and

It was recently revealed that Iran has a second, underground and hitherto "secret" uranium enrichment plant ... enriched uranium is required to produce nuclear weapons ... continuing a disturbing pattern of Iranian evasion that jeopardises global non-proliferation.

•to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

At the strategic center of the Middle East sits a despotic regime developing nuclear weapons, that is led by a theocratic order of clerics, and a president who openly courts the apocalypse.

There is still an opportunity to bring about peaceful democratic change in Iran. The great majority of the Iranian people are deeply dissatisfied with the Iranian regime. If they could change the nature of their government, they would. The Iranian people's recent attempts to reform their government have been stymied by a repressive government that restricts freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of the press.

A major obstacle to the advancement of freedom and democracy is the Iranian constitution, which institutionalizes Iran's despotic regime and restricts rather than protects the civil and political rights of the Iranian people.


•to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, at a conference in Tehran, stated that "Israel is a disgraceful blot that must be wiped off the map," his remarks were condemned by leaders from around the world. Speaking to a large gathering of students on a program titled, "The World Without Zionism," Mr. Ahmadinejad called on Palestinians to take control of the land, saying that "The establishment of a Zionist regime was a move by the world oppressor against the Islamic World."

Also, speaking to reporters at an Islamic summit in Mecca, Ahmadinejad said, "Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces.... Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: Is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem? If the Europeans are honest, they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists, and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe."

Adolph Hitler might beg to differ with Ahmadinejad ... Hitler said, "If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the smallest pity for the spilling of precious German blood, then surely I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin" ... and he did just that, with the genocide of approximately six million European Jews during World War II, with a program of systematic state-sponsered extermination by Nazi Germany, its allies and collaborators ... called the Holocaust.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad openly denies the Holocaust ... but lives for the day he can repeat it!

In addition, the U.S. military has presented evidence that shows an elite Iranian force under the command of Iran's supreme leader as being behind bombings that have killed at least 170 U.S. troops in Iraq. Also, the U.S. military says 81 mm mortar shells used in deadly attacks in Iraq can also be directly traced to Iran.

According to the U.S. military, other Iranian officers have provided information that Iran is also arming a prominent Iraqi political organization. The officers were detained during a raid on the Baghdad compound of Abdul Aziz al-Hakim, the head of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq, a powerful Shiite political group with close ties to Iran. The raid also netted documents that confirmed the arms sale.

•to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and

Iran is pursuing a radical course through its pursuit of a nuclear weapons capability, its notoriety as the world’s leading supporter of terrorist groups, and its deplorable treatment of its own people. In each of these areas, Iran holds a position inimical to the rest of the world and is moving backward against the tide of international opinion leading them further into international isolation.

•to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and

Ahmadinejad said that "Iranian armed forces are ready to confront the forces of darkness. If anybody wants to shoot a bullet at us from anywhere, we will cut off his hands."

•to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can in one instant appear the diplomatic equivalent of damaged goods, and in the next, a confident leader whose bellicose speeches leave the West wondering how to deal with him and his perplexing nation now that he's won a much-disputed reelection.

Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations ...

Membership in the United Nations is open to all other "peace-loving" states which accept the obligations contained in the present Charter and, in the judgement of the Organization, are able and willing to carry out these obligations ... the Islamic Republic of Iran was granted admission to the United Nations General Assembly on 24 October 1945 ...