Sunday, October 3, 2010
Uncle Sam Wants You! ...
Sheriff Clarence A VanMeter stopped by the General Store to pick up a fresh box of shotgun shells ... likely double-ought-buckshot ... on this particular day Ansel Poteet and Grandpa DooLittle were raptly perched on the store's front porch deep in the cerebral throes of a three-day-long checkers marathon ... occasionally breaking for "natural occurrences" of course ... nearby stood the ever expressionless Wooden Indian, drops of water from the previous night's rain trickling onto his eye from a leaky eavestrough overhead gave one the notion that tears were slowly creeping down his oaken cheek ... conspicuously absent was the elder paterfamilias, one Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt ..."how's it goin' fellers ... where's Uncle Virgil?" enquired the Sheriff ... Grandpa DooLittle slowly rubbed his bristly chin whiskers while carefully keeping a keen eye peeled on the checkerboard as he replied "well Sheriff, ol' Virgil ain't been hisself lately ... all weepy and down in the mouth ... ain't been 'round here fer many a day!" ... Sheriff Clarence was a bit taken aback by their seeming lack of urgent concern ... "yep, many a day now" added Ansel Poteet as he jumped three of Grandpa DooLittle's red checkers, then hoarsely demanded "Crown me!" ... but Sheriff Clarence was immediately concerned, so decided he'd better directly go check on Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt.
Minutes later ... with a sense of cautious uneasiness ... Sheriff VanMeter was knocking on Uncle Virgil's front door as Deputy Sheriff Cletus A.VanMeter stood by in case backup should be needed ... "who is it?" responded a barely audible and obviously distraught sounding voice from inside ... "it's Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter and Deputy Cletus ... we're here to check on your welfare" announced the Sheriff ... all of a sudden Sheriff Clarence heard Uncle Virgil a wailin' and a moanin' and a bawlin' like a mama cow what's had her calf taken away for weanin' ... believing Virgil to possibly be either ill or injured, Clarence ordered Cletus to boot open Virgil's door ... both seasoned lawmen then valiantly charged inside only to discover Uncle Virgil down on his knees with arms extended forward while holding his wrists firmly together "slap on the cuffs Sheriff ... I'll go peacefully without a struggle!" cried the piteous, openly sobbing old gentleman ... "what on earth is wrong with you Virgil Hunnicutt? ... we ain't here to haul you off to jail!" proclaimed Sheriff Clarence, then added "I seen you weren't playin' checkers over at the General Store with the rest of the fellers as you customarily do ... Grandpa DooLittle said you'd been awful upset as of late ... so I figured me and Cletus ought to hurry on over here and find out why" ... warm tears streamed down Virgil's face from swollen, bloodshot eyes as he declared "well Sheriff, I reckon I'm just too danged old and tired for this here sort of thing" as he pulled a folded piece of paper from his shirt pocket and handed it over to Sheriff Clarence ... Clarence looked at the paper which had a picture of Uncle Sam and read as follows "UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU!" ... however when the Sheriff unfolded the crinkled piece of paper completely he saw what it actually said, then read aloud "UNCLE SAM'S QUALITY AUTO WANTS YOU TO STOP BY TODAY AND PURCHASE A NEW OR USED TRUCK!" ... Virgil swiped his flannel shirtsleeve across his dripping nose, then Deputy Cletus helped the now smiling and relieved centenarian to his feet as he sheepishly muttered "you mean I ain't been drafted into the military ... I ain't no lawbreakin' draft dodger after all?" ... by now Sheriff Clarence had been stricken utterly speechless, so Cletus explained "naw, you ain't been drafted ... Uncle Sam don't want you to report for no military service Uncle Virgil ... shoot everybody in the county got one of these here handbills in the mail, me and Clarence here included ... but Uncle Sam's Automotive does want you to stop by and purchase a new or used vehicle!" ... grinning from ear to ear like a cunning Cheshire cat Virgil donned a woolen sweater then slipped on his ol' derby hat "well then, would you fellers give me a lift over to the General Store ... I reckon they's a big checkers match a goin' on?"