Thursday, September 24, 2009

Cash for Geezers ...

Rumor has it that the government is ready to unveil a new program similar to that of "cash for clunkers" which supposedly boosted sales for struggling, cash-strapped auto makers while removing older, gas-guzzling vehicles from our public highways. I'm sure most of you know how it worked. Certain pre-selected autos deemed "unacceptable" by the government for further use by consumers could be traded for certain new vehicles which were deemed "preferrable." In exchange for that "clunker," cash from $3,000 to $4,000 was given toward the purchase of a new, government approved automobile. The main requirement being the immediate destruction of said "clunker" by dumping a solution into it's running engine until it seized up.

Now there's more good news for the consumer ... in the interminable struggle to assure free healthcare for every living creature upon the face of the entire earth, a brand new program is ready for implementation ... "Cash for Geezers" ... that's right, "cash for geezers," eerily similar to "cash for clunkers." With this plan, any "geezer" deemed "worthless or useless" for further use may be turned over to the government in exchange for cash vouchers which must be used toward future healthcare expenses incurred by any consumer deemed preferrable. The ultimate goal of this innovative program is to rid the world of those folks who are draining the healthcare system like a busted sieve, thus easing the strain on healthcare providers and preventing it's ultimate collapse ... the only requirement being the pouring in of that "solution" ...


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Bleep'n Golden ...

Rod Blagojevich's hair is legendary -- and fodder for late night punch lines ... and now the befouled former governor's bushy locks have spawned a new line of hair care products. "Blago: It's Bleep'n Golden Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner" was launched by the owner of a suburban Chicago company after the idea came to him in a dream. "We're swamped," said Dennis Fath, owner of Delta Laboratories Inc. in Elk Grove Village ... "I don't know what to do. We're a very small company, and we've had over 200 orders today. And they're still coming in every minute."

It was essential, he said, that the product be volumizing in order to be faithful to the voluminous coif that inspired it. This is the first time Delta, which makes hair care products for other companies, has retailed it's own brand. "We made the bottles golden, so it's bleep'n golden," Fath said. "And we made them volumizing so you could look more like him. He has great hair -- no one can deny that."

Blago's publicist Glenn Selig said that his client has yet to try them. "He's aware of it yes, but he has not used it," Selig said. "We hope it passes the smell test." Selig said that Blagojevich will not be endorsing the products, but has no plans to put the kibosh on them, either. The bottles sell for $8 each or $15 for two at ... Delta Labs joins a long line of companies hoping to make a buck off of the indicted former governor.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

You Da Man! -- Motley Discourse ...

Manny: Hey Alex ... look, I picking too! ...

A-Rod: Manny you're gross ... I picking a guitar ... I picking a Yankee guitar ...

Manny: Look, recently, I saw a physician for a personal health issue, he gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give to me ...

A-Rod: You should have seen someone about your foul personal hygiene problems ... and a groomer!

Manny: Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy, just
like that stuff you took Alex.

A-Rod: Oh, you funny guy now huh? ... like I say before, I was under enormous pressure ... the weight of the world was on top of me ... I needed to perform ... perform at a high level ... every day ... things were loose ... a loosey goosey era.

Manny: Under the drug policy, that mistake is my responsibility ... I suspended feefty games!

A-Rod: But it was not my fault ... I was young ... I was stupid ... very stupid ... I was naive ... very naive.

Manny: I been advised not to say anything more for now ... I say just one other thing more ... I take and pass approximately feefteen drug tests during the past five seasons, I take full responsibility for what I do, unlike those other slyboots such as Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, Tejada, McGwire, Palmeiro and Bonds ... maybe even Slammin' Sammy Sosa ... and now you Alex Rodriguez!

Slammin' Sammy: Look here, I no take nothing illegal, only drink plenty water, see bottles? ... baseball been barry, barry good to me ... but my Binglish not barry good, I no understand good ... I go now ... tank you barry much ... Big Mac, I love you man!

McGwire: I love you too Sammy, you da man! ... but I'm not here to talk about the past ... I'm only here to be positive about this subject.

Sammy: No Big Mac ... you da man!

Barry Bonds: Hey guys ... does the clear and the cream make my head look BIG?

Sammy: No Barry ... your head look barry, barry good to me ... you da man!

Rafael Palmeiro: Let me start by telling you this ... there is absolutely nothing disproportionate about the size of Barry Bond's head in relation to his steroid enhanced body ... furthermore, I myself have never used steroids ... period!

Barry Bonds: You da man Raffy!

Roger Clemens: Look fellas, in case some of you might have misremembered ... steroids can cause heart problems ... and my family has a history of heart conditions, hell, my stepfather died from heart disease ... so it would be suicidal for me to even think about taking any of these dangerous drugs ... or to have an affair with that yucky Mindy McCready from the time she was of the age of 15 ... impossible! ... besides, does this look like the swollen gourd of a steroid user? ... I think not ... I'm da man!

A-Rod: I admit, I did take some kind of substance ... I was negligent ... very negligent ... I not really sure what the heck I took ... or which substances I'm guilty of taking ... I didn't ask the right questions ... I didn't ask any questions ... I needed to push to the next level ... a higher level ... I trusted the wrong people ... others were taking whatever it was that I was taking ... it was just too danged hot! ... blah, blah, blah ...

Manny: OK, enough already Alex, it's obvious that you are stupid ... anyhow, I want to apologize to Mister McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mister Joe Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization and to all the great Dodger fans ...

A-Rod: You better watch it man! ... I've played the best baseball of my career ... I've won some eeM Veee Peeees ... I've never felt better ... I'm very proud now ...

Manny: L.A. is special place to me ... I know everybody is disappointed in me ... so am I ... I'm real sorry about this whole situation ... mostly really sorry that I got caught ... you know, just Manny being Manny, etc ...

A-Rod: You da man Manny!

Manny: No, you da man Alex! ... you wanna go get a couple of those Dodger dogs?

Bud Selig: Look fellas, I can pick too ... wait up ... I want a Dodger dog ... MLB is buying! ... I'm not mad at you ... come on guys ... you are the men!

A-Rod: Pay no attention to anything those other losers say baby ... I love you Alex ... you are my eeM Veee Peeee ... you da man!


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Blago's Top 10 Career Options ...

Now that former Illinois Governor Rod "Blago" Blagojevich has unwillingly departed from public life into the world of the unemployed, (unless jailed), he will soon be embarking on the dubious journey of seeking some type of work in the private sector .. consequently, this has led to his possibly being tested for proper employment placement in order to create a personalized strategy directed at finding a fulfilling and financially rewarding career.

Below are my top 10 recommendations as to careers befitting of "Hot Rod's" previous employment record and experience:

10. Car salesman for Zastava Yugo - Get your Yugo
from Blago! ...
9. Traveling encyclopedia salesman ...
8. Telemarketer for Contact America ...
7. Auctioneer ...
6. Model for Barbers Only Magazine ...
5. Spokesman for Rogaine ...
4. Phone counselor for Liars Anonymous ...
3. Author a book entitled "Fraud and Corruption For Dummies!" ...
2. Circus clown ...
1. And my number one recommendation is ... "Inmate!"


Monday, September 14, 2009

Kidnapped ...

It's been quite some time since I last heard from Henry Beefeater, but I received a call from my ol' friend early this morning, and he was fit to be tied ... seems that his only son Lamar Beefeater, along with his pal Luther DooLittle had ran into a slight conundrum ...

Day before yesterday, Lamar and Luther had left the house on foot headed to the Mini-Mart in town to pick up some Beechnut chewing tobacco ... nearly two hours had passed sans their return, and Henry was beginning to get a bit concerned, for the little convenience store was barely a half mile from the Beefeater' home.

Henry was about to go looking for the pair when the phone rang ... on the other end was a frantic Luther DooLittle ... he had called from his new cell phone, and was sobbing and whining and begging Henry to send help ... Luther explained that he and Lamar were walking down the street when suddenly a dozen or so masked gunmen had kidnapped them, had bound their hands, and were holding them against their will in the backseat of a vehicle right in front of the Mini-Mart ... Luther said he feared the men would soon return and whisk them away never to be seen again ... please, please send help!

Henry immediately put Luther on hold and dialed 911 ... the 911 operator patiently listened to Henry's dilemma, at which time he also gave them Luther's cell number in case they should need it for any reason ... the 911 operator in turn relayed the information to the local police dispatcher so officers could be sent to the location ... the dispatcher informed the 911 operator that officers were already in that specific area on another call, and she would divert some of them forthwith to the Mini-Mart ... the police dispatcher put out the call to any officers in the vicinity of the Mini-Mart to respond ... luckily a police sergeant happened to be sitting just in front of the mart ... the sergeant told his dispatcher to give him the particulars on the call ... she repeated the information taken moments earlier in which two boys were allegedly kidnapped by masked gunmen, who had bound their hands, and were possibly holding them against their will in the backseat of a vehicle right in front of the Mini-Mart ... the boys were requesting help, for they feared the men would return at any moment and whisk them away never to be seen again ... the sergeant asked the dispatcher to call the victim's cell number for a possible update on the situation ... a few seconds later, the bewildered officer heard a phone ringing from his backseat ... after a long pause, the sergeant advised the dispatcher that the situation was under control, and the boys in question were safe ... they had been nabbed by masked and armed members of a police S.W.A.T. team ... hands now bound with cuffs ... sitting in the backseat of the his patrol car ... right in front of the Mini-Mart!

It was later determined that the boys fit the description of two young bandits who had robbed a liquor store just around the corner ... the S.W.A.T. team had mistakenly assumed that it was Luther and Lamar, thus arresting them both on the spot ... the real felons were later caught with loot in hand ... the hapless boys were cleared of all charges, then released to a very angry and embarrassed Maude and Henry Beefeater ... although there will likely be a bit of detention in store for Lamar Beefeater and his pal Luther DooLittle.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Deliverance ...

OK, listen up Peter Gammons ...
When I went to Texas I felt an enormous amount of pressure, cha cha ching ching ching!
The weight of the world was on top of me, cha cha ching ching ching!
I needed to perform, cha cha ching ching ching!
Perform at a high level, cha cha ching ching ching!
Every day, cha cha ching ching ching!
Baseball was a different culture then, cha cha ching ching ching!
Things were loose, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was young, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was stupid, cha cha ching ching ching!
Very stupid, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was naive, cha cha ching ching ching!
I wanted to prove I was worth being one of the greatest of all time, cha cha ching ching ching!
All time, cha cha ching ching ching!
I did take some kind of subb-stanc-ezz, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was a loosey-goosey era, cha cha ching ching ching!
I was neg-li-gent, cha cha ching ching ching!
I didn't ask the right questions, cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm not sure what the heck I took, cha cha ching ching ching!
Or what subb-stanc-ezz I'm guilty of taking, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was that $252 million contract's fault, cha cha ching ching ching!
I needed a push to the next level, cha cha ching ching ching!
It was too dang hot in Tex-as, cha cha ching ching ching!
I trusted the wrong people, cha cha ching ching ching!
I wasn't very careful, cha cha ching ching ching!
Since taking whatever it was that I took, cha cha ching ching ching!
Everybody else was taking subb-stanc-ezz, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've played the best baseball of my ca-reer, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've won some eeM-Veee-Peeee's, cha cha ching ching ching!
I've never felt better, cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm very proud now, cha cha ching ching ching!
That should be enough ex-cu-sezz for to-day, cha cha ching ching ching!
None of this was sup-posed to get out cha cha ching ching ching!
I'm filthy rich cha cha ching ching ching!
I've cancelled my subscription to Sports Il-li-stra-ted, cha cha ching ching ching!
Tha tha tha tha that's all for now folks, cha cha ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching!
Cha cha ching ching ching ching ching ching ching! ... cha cha cha ...


Friday, September 11, 2009

Daschle's Limo Must Go ...

Daschle's on the go ... with driver and limo ... o'er highways fast & slow ... chuckling all the way ... horns on Caddies blow ... making spirits gleam ... it's too much fun to ride ... in a tax free limousine! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it is to ride in a tax free limousine!

A day or two ago ... I began my ride ... there was Barack Obama ... sitting by my side ... he said "you are kinda neat" ... "don't give up just yet" ... then he offered me a seat ... on his cabinet ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it is to ride in a tax free.....limousine!

Then only yesterday ... I could not take that ride ... reminded by some hacks ... I hadn't paid my tax!! ... so I wrote a great big check ... then dropped it in the mail ... oh well, what the hell ... it will keep me out of jail! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it was to ride in a tax free limousine!

Now everything's alright ... I've done nothing wrong ... Obama and I are tight ... and I'm singing a new song ... I've returned that Cadillac ... $140,000+ was the cost ... and I'll quickly snap right back ... cause my cabinet seat's not lost! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac! ... Cadillac all the way! ... O what fun it was to ride in that tax free limousine! ...


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sutton Returns! ...

I've been told that the Atlanta Braves have entered into negotiations to bring back Don Sutton ... Donald Howard Sutton, born April 2, 1945, Clio Alabama ... played for: Los Angeles Dodgers (1966-1980, 1988), Houston Astros (1981-1982), Milwaukee Brewers (1982-1984), Oakland Athletics (1985), California Angels (1985-1987) ... inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1998 ...

Sutton was a model of consistency and durability throughout his 23-year major league career, winning 324 games and striking out 3,574 batters, while never missing his turn in the rotation for the Dodgers, Astros, Brewers, Athletics and Angels ... a four-time All-Star, he reached double figures in wins in 21 of his 23 seasons and struck out over 100 batters in each of his first 21 campaigns ... Sutton pitched in four World Series and posted five career one-hit games ...

According to Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda, "When you gave him the ball, you knew one thing - your pitcher was going to give you everything he had. You win as many games as he did, to me, that should be automatic Hall of Fame."

Don Sutton has some extremely impressive lifetime stats too: ERA 3.26 - W 324 - L 256 - PCT .559 - G 774 - IP 5,281.2 - SO 3,574 - BB 1,343 - SV 3 ... and although I wasn't able to find any mention of his having ever pitched for the Atlanta Braves, I suppose any pitcher with stats as lofty as Sutton's just might end up being the team's ace ... so I reckon I'm all for having him return to the Braves, if the price is right ... wait just a minute ... I need to research my stories a bit better ... I just read that the Braves are trying to bring Don Sutton back as a "Broadcast Announcer!" ... looks like I better leave this baseball reporting stuff up to somebody else ...


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Peace-loving" State? ...


•to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s particular form of radical Islam actually welcomes an apocalyptic war with the world. He believes in an Islamic messiah. His messiah is the Mahdi or 12th Imam. This messiah comes to rid the world of "infidels" after a cataclysmic confrontation with the West.

•to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and

Speech, Press, and Assembly -- free speech, as such, does not exist in Iran. Human rights activists and other perceived agitators are sometimes subject to beatings, arrests, torture, and disappearance.

Religious Expression -- the Islamic Republic of Iran is a religious institution with no secular concept of law. Those who convert from Islam to another faith may face execution for apostasy. Religious minorities are routinely subject to widespread persecution.

Women's Rights -- in Iran, women can vote and run for Parliament and are not prohibited from traveling freely, but they are also subject to police beatings and torture for violating perceived social norms, are not protected from domestic violence, and are discriminated against in other subtle ways (such as inheritance law).

Racism -- Arabs (who make up 3%) of the population, Azeris (who make up 24%), and Kurds (who make up 7%) are frequently subject to racial profiling and mass arrests at cultural functions. Although there are very few Jews in Iran, vicious antisemitism is also a serious problem.

Beatings, Arrests, Torture, and Executions -- Iranian police tend to respond to peaceful political demonstrations by viciously beating and arresting protesters, who are then subject to further beatings, torture, sexual assault, and denial of medical treatment in prison. Iran formally executed 94 prisoners in 2005, and many more died in prison under mysterious circumstances.

In June 2009, the Iranian government announced that Ahmadinejad had been reelected to a second (and, under term limits, final) term as president with two-thirds of the popular vote. Hundreds of thousands of Iranians protested the purported outcome of the election, which was not in keeping with projections or the public national mood, which favored the election of reformer Mir-Hossein Mousavi. Bowing to public pressure, the Ayatollah, who is the autocratic ruler of Iran, and subject to impeachment by the Assembly of Experts, initially ordered an investigation into the election results ... but the investigation resulted in a simple reassertion that Ahmadinejad was the victor, with no new evidence to back up the claim. Consequently, protesters took to the streets on June 19th, 2009, and were treated brutally by the Basij (paramilitary police). As many as 150 people died, journalists were expelled, and a human rights crisis ... and possible revolution is underway ... the situation is ongoing.

•to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and

It was recently revealed that Iran has a second, underground and hitherto "secret" uranium enrichment plant ... enriched uranium is required to produce nuclear weapons ... continuing a disturbing pattern of Iranian evasion that jeopardises global non-proliferation.

•to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom,

At the strategic center of the Middle East sits a despotic regime developing nuclear weapons, that is led by a theocratic order of clerics, and a president who openly courts the apocalypse.

There is still an opportunity to bring about peaceful democratic change in Iran. The great majority of the Iranian people are deeply dissatisfied with the Iranian regime. If they could change the nature of their government, they would. The Iranian people's recent attempts to reform their government have been stymied by a repressive government that restricts freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, and freedom of the press.

A major obstacle to the advancement of freedom and democracy is the Iranian constitution, which institutionalizes Iran's despotic regime and restricts rather than protects the civil and political rights of the Iranian people.


•to practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, at a conference in Tehran, stated that "Israel is a disgraceful blot that must be wiped off the map," his remarks were condemned by leaders from around the world. Speaking to a large gathering of students on a program titled, "The World Without Zionism," Mr. Ahmadinejad called on Palestinians to take control of the land, saying that "The establishment of a Zionist regime was a move by the world oppressor against the Islamic World."

Also, speaking to reporters at an Islamic summit in Mecca, Ahmadinejad said, "Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces.... Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: Is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem? If the Europeans are honest, they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists, and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe."

Adolph Hitler might beg to differ with Ahmadinejad ... Hitler said, "If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the smallest pity for the spilling of precious German blood, then surely I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin" ... and he did just that, with the genocide of approximately six million European Jews during World War II, with a program of systematic state-sponsered extermination by Nazi Germany, its allies and collaborators ... called the Holocaust.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad openly denies the Holocaust ... but lives for the day he can repeat it!

In addition, the U.S. military has presented evidence that shows an elite Iranian force under the command of Iran's supreme leader as being behind bombings that have killed at least 170 U.S. troops in Iraq. Also, the U.S. military says 81 mm mortar shells used in deadly attacks in Iraq can also be directly traced to Iran.

According to the U.S. military, other Iranian officers have provided information that Iran is also arming a prominent Iraqi political organization. The officers were detained during a raid on the Baghdad compound of Abdul Aziz al-Hakim, the head of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq, a powerful Shiite political group with close ties to Iran. The raid also netted documents that confirmed the arms sale.

•to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security, and

Iran is pursuing a radical course through its pursuit of a nuclear weapons capability, its notoriety as the world’s leading supporter of terrorist groups, and its deplorable treatment of its own people. In each of these areas, Iran holds a position inimical to the rest of the world and is moving backward against the tide of international opinion leading them further into international isolation.

•to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and

Ahmadinejad said that "Iranian armed forces are ready to confront the forces of darkness. If anybody wants to shoot a bullet at us from anywhere, we will cut off his hands."

•to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples,

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can in one instant appear the diplomatic equivalent of damaged goods, and in the next, a confident leader whose bellicose speeches leave the West wondering how to deal with him and his perplexing nation now that he's won a much-disputed reelection.

Accordingly, our respective Governments, through representatives assembled in the city of San Francisco, who have exhibited their full powers found to be in good and due form, have agreed to the present Charter of the United Nations and do hereby establish an international organization to be known as the United Nations ...

Membership in the United Nations is open to all other "peace-loving" states which accept the obligations contained in the present Charter and, in the judgement of the Organization, are able and willing to carry out these obligations ... the Islamic Republic of Iran was granted admission to the United Nations General Assembly on 24 October 1945 ...