A-Rod: Manny you're gross ... I picking a guitar ... I picking a Yankee guitar ...
Manny: Look, recently, I saw a physician for a personal health issue, he gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give to me ...
A-Rod: You should have seen someone about your foul personal hygiene problems ... and a groomer!
Manny: Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy, just like that stuff you took Alex.
A-Rod: Oh, you funny guy now huh? ... like I say before, I was under enormous pressure ... the weight of the world was on top of me ... I needed to perform ... perform at a high level ... every day ... things were loose ... a loosey goosey era.
Manny: Under the drug policy, that mistake is my responsibility ... I suspended feefty games!
A-Rod: But it was not my fault ... I was young ... I was stupid ... very stupid ... I was naive ... very naive.
Manny: I been advised not to say anything more for now ... I say just one other thing more ... I take and pass approximately feefteen drug tests during the past five seasons, I take full responsibility for what I do, unlike those other slyboots such as Clemens, Pettitte, Giambi, Tejada, McGwire, Palmeiro and Bonds ... maybe even Slammin' Sammy Sosa ... and now you Alex Rodriguez!
Slammin' Sammy: Look here, I no take nothing illegal, only drink plenty water, see bottles? ... baseball been barry, barry good to me ... but my Binglish not barry good, I no understand good ... I go now ... tank you barry much ... Big Mac, I love you man!
McGwire: I love you too Sammy, you da man! ... but I'm not here to talk about the past ... I'm only here to be positive about this subject.
Sammy: No Big Mac ... you da man!
Barry Bonds: Hey guys ... does the clear and the cream make my head look BIG?
Sammy: No Barry ... your head look barry, barry good to me ... you da man!
Rafael Palmeiro: Let me start by telling you this ... there is absolutely nothing disproportionate about the size of Barry Bond's head in relation to his steroid enhanced body ... furthermore, I myself have never used steroids ... period!
Barry Bonds: You da man Raffy!
Roger Clemens: Look fellas, in case some of you might have misremembered ... steroids can cause heart problems ... and my family has a history of heart conditions, hell, my stepfather died from heart disease ... so it would be suicidal for me to even think about taking any of these dangerous drugs ... or to have an affair with that yucky Mindy McCready from the time she was of the age of 15 ... impossible! ... besides, does this look like the swollen gourd of a steroid user? ... I think not ... I'm da man!
A-Rod: I admit, I did take some kind of substance ... I was negligent ... very negligent ... I not really sure what the heck I took ... or which substances I'm guilty of taking ... I didn't ask the right questions ... I didn't ask any questions ... I needed to push to the next level ... a higher level ... I trusted the wrong people ... others were taking whatever it was that I was taking ... it was just too danged hot! ... blah, blah, blah ...
Manny: OK, enough already Alex, it's obvious that you are stupid ... anyhow, I want to apologize to Mister McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mister Joe Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization and to all the great Dodger fans ...
A-Rod: You better watch it man! ... I've played the best baseball of my career ... I've won some eeM Veee Peeees ... I've never felt better ... I'm very proud now ...
Manny: L.A. is special place to me ... I know everybody is disappointed in me ... so am I ... I'm real sorry about this whole situation ... mostly really sorry that I got caught ... you know, just Manny being Manny, etc ...
A-Rod: You da man Manny!
Manny: No, you da man Alex! ... you wanna go get a couple of those Dodger dogs?
Bud Selig: Look fellas, I can pick too ... wait up ... I want a Dodger dog ... MLB is buying! ... I'm not mad at you ... come on guys ... you are the men!
A-Rod: Pay no attention to anything those other losers say baby ... I love you Alex ... you are my eeM Veee Peeee ... you da man!