Thursday, September 30, 2010
Brain Over Brawn ...
It seldom occurs, but a new family by the name of MayWeather moved into town from the big city ... now the MayWeather's had two children ... Millie and Billie Ray MayWeather ... Billie Ray was the younger of the two, but watched over and protected his older sister Millie like a mother hen guarding her chicks ... Millie was a real looker too, the daintiest and prettiest young lady ever to grace those parts for as long as anybody could remember ... well it didn't take Lester DooLittle long to notice Millie MayWeather, and he was right away smitten by her ravishing beauty ... Lester thought Millie MayWeather was better looking than a speckled bluetick pup curled up in a basketful of fresh-cut wildflower blooms! ... Lester at once settled on the conclusion that one way or another he would soon be Millie's beau ... so he stopped by the General Store and purchased a dozen red, plastic roses and a brown, paper poke crammed full of hard, penny candy then headed across town to call on Millie MayWeather ... unfortunately the overly-protective Billie Ray MayWeather had somehow already gotten wind of Lester DooLittle's intentions on pursuing his sister, thus consequently deciding to abruptly nip any potential love affair in the bud right from the get-go ... Billie Ray could hardly wait to lay his hands, and fists on this Lester DooLittle feller ... and just as Millie was now the most beauteous girl in town, Billie Ray was most likely now the roughest and toughest feller for miles around, his reputation proceeding him for quickly settling all disputes with a dose of lightning-fast, hard-knuckled pugilism.
Well Lester DooLittle walked across town, located the MayWeather residence and nervously strolled right up on the front porch, yanked up his baggy britches, brushed back his stringy hair, concealed the candy and flowers behind his back with one hand, hesitated for a moment then soundly rapped on the door with the other fully expecting to be pleasantly greeted by the lovely Miss Millie MayWeather herself ... instead the squeaky-hinged door slowly opened to reveal an extremely hostile and physically domineering looking young bruiser "who are you, and what do you want?" he demanded ... before Lester was able to offer an answer the angry lad continued "if you're that no-good-fer-nuthin' Lester DooLittle what has designs on my sister, then you better go crawl back under whichever rock you came out from ... don't ever come back here again ... and you better never go nowhere near my sister Millie neither ... else I'll give you a whoopin' you'll not soon forget!" then slammed the door shut in Lester's face.
As Lester plodded back toward home thinking things couldn't get much worse--they did ... there stood Bertram and Bernard Sedgewick ... Butch & Barry as most folks called them ... the resident, town bullies ... and quite possibly the only other fellers singly as proficient with fisticuffs as this Billie Ray MayWeather was said to be, but when together the Sedgewicks were without a doubt a mordacious force to be reckoned with ... "who are you, and what's in that poke?" insisted Butch Sedgewick ... "why I'm Lester DooLittle ... and this here is a bagful of hard, penny candy for my new sweetheart" replied Lester ... "are you any kin to that lily-livered Luther DooLittle what's friends with that yellow-bellied Lamar Beefeater?" quizzed Barry Sedgewick, as he recalled previous run ins with both Luther and Lamar ... why yes, Luther's my first cousin and Lamar's my friend too" declared Lester ... a hateful smirk crept across both of the Sedgewick brother's lips as they figured Lester DooLittle to likely be a weak-kneed pushover just like his cousin Luther ... bearing in mind that they were handed a sackful of furious white-faced hornets during their last encounter with Luther and Lamar, Barry Sedgewick wisely compelled Lester himself to empty out the contents of the brown, paper sack right there on the pavement before making him run away ... Lester obediently dumped the bagful of hard, penny candy out on the street so Barry could inspect its contents ... satisfied that nothing harmful lurked within the bag, Butch Sedgewick then demanded that Lester to pick it all back up and hand it over, to which Lester obediently complied ... now certain that Lester DooLittle was cut from the same cowardly material as Luther and Lamar, Butch informed Lester that if they ever caught him in their part of town again he better have another poke of candy ... or something else of equal value ... in order to "pay" for his future safe passage ... else take a whoopin' like he's never experienced before!
Lester DooLittle's conundrum had just intensified threefold, he had three seemingly immovable obstacles, Billie Ray MayWeather and Butch & Barry Sedgewick now standing betwixt he and the splendiferous Millie MayWeather, whom he had yet to meet in person ... but Lester hadn't fallen off the turnip wagon just last night ... he'd been cogitatin' real hard on this problem, and just may have come up with a way to kill three birds with one stone so to speak ... the next day Lester collected his vinyl bouquet, returned to the General Store and bought another brown, paper bag filled to the top with hard, penny candy then headed back across town toward Miss Millie's house anxious to put his plan in motion ... as soon as he started up the street leading to the MayWeather house, there stood Butch & Barry Sedgewick blocking his way "hand over that bag, then run ... or take a whoopin'!" insisted Butch Sedgewick ... "I ain't gonna do it boys" proclaimed Lester "I reckon we'll just have to fight!" he firmly added ... taken aback by Lester's sudden burst of intestinal fortitude the Sedgewick boys took a couple of steps back ... "are you ... uh ... are you sure 'bout that?" asked a bewildered Barry Sedgewick ... "I sure am ... if you boys ain't chicken, meet me right next to that crabapple tree there in the back alley along about midnight ... I'll give out a loud hootie-hoo so you'll know it's me ... then come out a swingin' ... if you ain't scared" replied Lester as the now flummoxed Sedgewick boys stood there mouths agape watching him strut away.
Minutes later Lester knocked brusquely on the MayWeather's door and as expected was again met by a seething Billie Ray "I thought I told you not to come 'round here no more ... now I'm gonna have to beat you senseless Lester DooLittle ... bet that won't take long huh?!" he proclaimed ... "you hold on just a minute now, I'll fight you for sure, but it ought to be on my own terms" exclaimed Lester ... "what terms is that?" demanded Billie Ray ... "well if you ain't chicken, meet me right next to that crabapple tree in the back alley along about midnight ... give out a loud hootie-hoo so I'll know it's you ... then come out a swingin' if you ain't scared" offered Lester as Billie Ray stood there watching Lester confidently walk away ... the trap was set ... well, that night the old town clock had just about finished its midnight knell as the Sedgewick boys uneasily couched in the alleyway lying in wait for Lester DooLittle to arrive and signal with his loud "hootie-hoo" ... there were no lights of any sort, the pitch-black darkness making it all but impossible to see anything other than one's silhouette moving about ... about that time Billie Ray entered the alley making his way toward the crabapple bush in search of Lester DooLittle ... as he approached the gnarled crabapple tree he gave out a thunderously hearty "hootie-hoo" ... fists straightaway commenced to flying from every direction as the Sedgewick brothers engaged in mortal combat with alleged ruffian Billie Ray MayWeather, all three combatants trading punches under the mistaken assumption that it was Lester DooLittle they were tussling with ... as the battle heated up the Sedgewick brothers got the upper hand over Billie Ray and were soon beating him to within an inch of his life ... the Sedgewicks continued to thump on Billie Ray 'till they simply exhausted themselves then finally walked away leaving him lying there in a wretched clump ... Lester DooLittle had watched the entire slugfest from the relative safety of a crooked limb atop that crabapple tree.
The next day, unsure of what fate might have in store for him, Lester DooLittle again headed across town toward the MayWeather house, plastic flowers and penny candy in hand ... as he neared the street where Millie lived there stood the Sedgewick brothers, their knobby knuckles busted and swollen, who after gaining their respect surprisingly threw up their hands and waved as Lester passed by ... I reckon they figured anybody that could take a beatin' such as what they had put on who they assumed was Lester the night before, without leaving any visible signs of that beatin', had earned the right to walk the streets on their side of town without further attack ... Lester continued on up the street with a sudden albeit unfamiliar air of self-confidence directly to the MayWeather's front door and boldly knocked ... eventually the squeaky-hinged door slowly opened to reveal a severely battered Billie Ray MayWeather ... leaning on a homemade crutch and with one arm in a sling ... upper lip busted, lower lip fat, right eye nearly swollen shut ... gashes and scrapes all over his head and face ... black and blue wherever bare skin was exposed ... one front tooth completely missing ... Billie Ray stared intently at Lester DooLittle for a few tense seconds then painfully leaned toward the staircase and announced "Millie ... you're new boyfriend's here!!"
A few days passed and Billie Ray MayWeather had spread the word all over town "don't mess with that Lester DooLittle ... he'll put the fists to you so hard and fast ... you'll think you're a fightin' with two fellers instead of one!"