Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Snakes Alive! ...
Now Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet and the Widow VanMeter are the closest of friends ... and conveniently reside right next to each other in a well-maintained duplex at the edge of town ... well the other day Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet was sitting in her den all snuggled up in her overstuffed easy chair while doing some knitting ... all of a sudden she heard the awfullest screams accompanied by long doleful wails emanating from what she thought to be her neighbor the Widow VanMeter's next door apartment ... concerned with her friend's safety and well-being Birdie Mae placed an urgent 911 call and summoned a rapid response from Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter and his Deputy Cletus A. VanMeter, who is also Clarence's first cousin ... upon their arrival, amidst desperate, earsplitting shrieks and howls, they discovered the Widow's door to be either locked or jammed from the inside ... believing his dear mama to be in immediate peril, Sheriff Clarence drove his V-8 police car up the cobble walkway and onto the front porch, its huge, chrome bumper ramming the door so hard that it took it right off its hinges and sent it tumbling all the way into his mama's kitchen ... as Sheriff Clarence and his loyal Deputy Cletus bravely rushed inside with guns drawn there stood the Widow VanMeter hysterically screaming at the top of her lungs while pointing in the direction of her new, Maytag automatic clothes washing machine and dryer ... both lawmen simultaneously converged on the spot where the Widow was pointing only to discover a six-foot-long ... and somewhat shriveled ... recently shed, snake skin wedged in between the shiny appliances.
Deputy Cletus gingerly retrieved the fragile, paper thin, reptilian hide and straightaway disposed of the awful thing in a garbage receptacle located outdoors as Sheriff Clarence tried to quiet and calm his mama's shattered nerves ... after several minutes of intense quietin' and calmin' efforts the Widow VanMeter was finally composed enough to listen to her learned son's logical explanation as to why and how that despicable snake skin had ended up stuck between her washer and dryer ... most likely slithering into the laundry room from outside by way of a wide gap between the floor and the dryer's exhaust vent ... and that the furtive creature that had left its worn-out covering behind was probably long gone by now ... well the Widow was having none of that, and sternly demanded that Clarence and Cletus conduct a complete and thorough search of the entire premises ... even if mangy bloodhounds had to be called in ... so Sheriff Clarence and Deputy Cletus commenced to turn that place inside and out just so the Sheriff's mama could rest assured that no cold-blooded ophidian of any sort had become an unwelcome house guest ... after about two full hours of trenchant yet fruitless serpent hunting it was becoming clearly evident to all concerned that the snake that had discarded its skin in the Widow VanMeter's apartment could not be found and was no longer there ... so Clarence cursorily rehung the splintered door, lovingly hugged his mama--grateful that no harm had befallen her ... and as he and Cletus prepared to leave, all of a sudden they heard the awfullest screams accompanied by long doleful wails emanating from what they thought to be Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet's next door apartment ... "what in the world is that Sheriff?" cried Deputy Cletus ... as a wry grin crept across Sheriff Clarence's dimpled cheeks he sardonically replied "sounds like ol' Birdie Mae just found that snake!"
Posted by sja at 6:06 PM