Friday, October 22, 2010

Get Your House In Order ...


Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt and Grandpa DooLittle were at an impasse, both had sat motionless at the checkerboard until neither could say with any degree of certainty just who's turn it was ... a stalemate which fermented into a seething batch of idle threats and name calling ... as Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet and the Widow VanMeter concluded their weekly shopping spree and were exiting the General Store, they couldn't help but overhear the clamorous dispute occurring between Uncle Virgil and Grandpa ... "you fellers ought not behave like a couple of spoiled brats ... what would the new preacher think of you fellers if he was to hear you carryin' on like that, specially in the presence of a pair of incomparably refined ladies such as the Widow and myself?!" exclaimed the seemingly outraged Birdie Mae Poteet ... "that's right!" the Widow VanMeter sternly concurred ... the aged malcontents immediately squelched their childlike pettifoggery, then Grandpa removed his dusty, derby hat from off his shiny, bald head and graciously enquired "what new preacher?" ... Birdie Mae cleared her throat then replied as her eyelids snapped curtly with each blink "it's absolutely mind-boggling how two supposedly wise and learned individuals such as the both of you could at times be so incredibly slow-witted and ill informed! ... folks have been talking near and far for days now about the new preacher what's coming to take over as pastor of the Community Church ... he'll be residing in the parsonage right next to the church ... as a matter of fact, he's scheduled to arrive some time this afternoon, and will be visiting every home in the area so as to formally introduce himself" ... Grandpa DooLittle sprung to his feet so fast you'd o' thought Satan himself had sparked a blistering fire underneath him "see you fellers later, gotta git home and git ma house in order" he declared as he headed in the direction of DooLittle Hollar ... as the old man tromped away the Widow VanMeter made a charitable offer that Grandpa could not reasonably decline "if you want, I'll send my nephew what's here visitin' from the city up there to help you get your place straightened out" ... Grandpa picked up his pace a bit as he answered over his shoulder "send him, and fast!"

Grandpa DooLittle made his way up the hollow in record time ... bursting through the front door he began breathlessly relaying the news regarding the impending arrival of the new preacher to Grandma DooLittle, including the part about the Widow VanMeter's nephew supposedly on his way to assist in getting the place in good order "oh my goodness, the house is mess!" insisted Grandma ... now even though Grandma was a meticulously efficacious housekeeper, she was never satisfied with the overall cleanliness and neatness of the DooLittle abode ... so Grandma at once jumped to her feet and headed for the broom closet to fetch her broom, mop and scrub bucket ... Grandpa on the other hand had some "cleanin'" of his own to do out in the barn ... as he exited the house he was met by a well-dressed, young man approaching from the walkway "good afternoon sir, I'm here to make sure your house is in order" announced the polite gentleman ... without further ado Grandpa grabbed the man by the coattail pulling him in the direction of the barn "yep, I been expectin' you, hurry along now, we got lots to do out here in the barn, time's a wastin'" demanded Grandpa ... as they entered the dark, odoriferous barn Grandpa began frantically barking out orders to his "borrowed" assistant--"help me cover up that there liquor still with this here tarpaulin!" then "help me tote these jugs o' shine over there and hide 'em behind that pile o' hay bales, and don't fergit the the ones with the homemade wine and hard cider in 'em!" then "grab that stack o' girlie magazines, those decks o' poker cards and them boxes o' Cuban cigars from underneath that there workbench and hide 'em outta sight up there in the hayloft!" then "on yer way back down reach over there and flip that there Playboy calendar around backards!" and "shovel up all that there mule manure and fetch some fresh feed and water fer these here critters!" ... finally Grandpa determined that the resulting clean up and concealment efforts were sufficient to dissuade any potential discovery of his most glaring vices by the new preacher and at last proclaimed "ok boy, that should do it, let's go to the house and git us a cold glass o' lemonade" ... Grandpa and his helper entered the kitchen just as Grandma was putting away her cleaning materials "Grandma why don't ye pour us all a big ol' glassful o' that there cold lemonade?" ... Grandma retrieved the pitcher of lemonade from the icebox and placed three tall glasses on the kitchen table ... then staring intently at the young man as she poured "where's yer manners Grandpa ... you didn't even introduce this fine-lookin' feller" ... before Grandpa could offer a reply there was a sharp rap at the front door "go see who that is Grandpa" ordered Grandma ... Grandpa DooLittle opened the door and there stood a spiffy-looking, young fellow "Mister DooLittle I presume, I'm the Widow VanMeter's nephew, she sent me up here to help you get your house in order" ... all of a sudden Grandpa DooLittle felt blood rushing from his head and his knees became weak and wobbly as he turned to his "helper" standing there in the living room--then sheepishly asked "and you are?" ... the youthful stranger gulped down the last of his lemonade then responded "my apologies sir, my name is Samuel Walter Wigglesworth, III ... new Pastor at the Community Church ... and I do believe prayer is straightaway appropriate!"


--sja Share/Bookmark

12 comments:

BOB said...

For goodness sakes, don't that beat all?!

Could see it coming from 'bout 10 miles away ... but I laughed throughout ... I'm still laughing!

The picture of Grandpa realizing his situation was vivid ...

Well told!!

Folks won't believe it, as they've heard it in different forms as a joke ... but when I was about five, Dr. Newton paid us an unexpected visit one afternoon and during that time, something occasioned my being asked to go get the good book.

I went and got the Sears' catalog ... the only good book I knew anything about. In my defense, it was probably the first time I had heard the Bible so called.

He laughed, Mama didn't.

She was worse than Grandma Doolittle ... our house was always immaculately kept, but she never failed to make a special effort to clean it up the night before the maid was scheduled ... didn't want her to think she was a bad housekeeper.

nothingprofound said...

sja-I'm convinced you have no other purpose in writing these stories than the sheer pleasure of playing with the language. I love all those colorful expressions you use and how you use them.

sja said...

Well Bob, back then folks usually kept the Sears catalog in a useful location ... the outhouse!

sja said...

Thanks for stopping by Nothingprofound ... and indeed you are correct in your assumption, I do enjoy wrestling with words, they always win, but I give 'em a hardy tussle!

BOB said...

Yes, the location of my first "solo" reading experience ...

Good to see the nonprofound one, perceptive as always!

sja said...

Some folks do their best work there!

The Scottish Jackass said...

Giants and Rangers ... what images that congers ... unbelievable!

Must be an Americanism, cousin ...

Good post too ... to be a do little, Grandpa does much.

sja said...

Ought to be a good World Series!

BOB said...

Dang ... your hours are 'bout as bad as mine!

Me excuse is that I had to finish what I had started ... and I am slo ... as has been the computer.

Perhaps it's because of increased traffic ... no comments since changing the GDA but the suggestion of offering sex with 10 virgins in return for a visit may be having an impact! Guess I should have made it contingent on leaving a comment or three ...

Truth is, ... even though I just published a new 3 page post yesterday, I unthinkingly went ahead and created a Twiigs poll regarding repeal of the 17th Amendment ... inviting folks to visit and share their views in addition to voting in the poll.

With that ticking, I felt compelled to finish the "John Adams - Constitutional Midwife - long distance" single page post containing the poll.

Though just a short post, it represents somewhat of a world speed record for old folks what can't type and use but one finger in their efforts, methinks.

sja said...

Another great post in your series Bob ... folks should click on your link at the bottom of this page and take a look!

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

Oh Lawd! I know these people...

sja said...

Belle (from Life of a...) I think we all run across folks like the DooLittles some time during our lifetime ... thank you for reading and thanks for the comment!