Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween Gone Ape! ...


The most anticipated and dreaded day round about DooLittle Hollar has always been All Hallows Eve, or Halloween ... and there have been some extraordinarily memorable ones at that ... with the likes of Lamar Beefeater--cousins Luther & Lester DooLittle--and twin, bully brothers Butch & Barry Sedgewick, all being eager and willing "trick-or-treat" participants ... amongst those worthy of mention was Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt's scarecrow incident ... you see each year Uncle Virgil would meticulously construct a makeshift scarecrow using old brooms, some straw and ragged clothes, then tie it securely to a lawn chair with nylon rope so the wind couldn't dismantle it ... and each year some unscrupulous pranksters would sneak in the middle of the night and filch Virgil's scarecrow--chair and all--tote it all the way over to the Community Church where it would be found the next morning perched precariously atop the church steeple ... well Uncle Virgil reckoned he'd lost just about enough Halloween scarecrows, so he being the near genius that he was--through the process of profound cerebration--concocted an ingenious plan designed to thwart any future, would-be larcenists ... so that particular Halloween night, as two dark figures eased onto Uncle Virgil's porch, hefted that scarecrow and began carryin' it toward the street--chair and all--just as they got to the gate "that's fer enough, you fellers can just put me down right here!" announced the scarecrow ... Uncle Virgil right nigh laughed himself into a fit of convulsions as he got up out of that rockin' chair, brushed away stalks of loose straw and watched those piteous culprits taking flight up the lane while screaming at the tops of their lungs ... to this day nobody knows for sure just who those wretched delinquents were ... but Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt never again lost a scarecrow ... nor did he ever again have to pretend to be one!

Oh there certainly were a multitudinous number of other "summers end" kerfuffles worthy of mention here, but I suppose the most infamous occurrence of them all was the "Halloween gone ape" ... folks from near and far likely remember when an adolescent orangutan escaped from "The Greatest Show on Earth" at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus which had set up just over the hill from DooLittle Hollar ... seems as though the calculating primate had already determined that as soon as the unwary handler swung open the cage door it would make a speedy bee-line for the exit and never look back ... now if you've ever seen some animal what's been caged or held against its will by some sort of restraint for an extended period of time ... well, if that animal perchance breaks free, it takes off runnin' amok like a rabid gazelle and don't stop runnin' until it unwillingly collapses in a heap of near total exhaustion ... even then, it might get back up and run for a another day or so until it eventually returns to its senses ... runnin' amok is exactly what that ape had in mind when it crossed over the ridge and dropped down into DooLittle Hollar.

Grandpa & Grandma DooLittle were smack dab in the middle of yet another hebetudinous evening--that was until Grandpa was about to uncork a full jug of his darling, homemade intoxicants and heard an ominously frightening commotion out on the front porch ... fearful of new preachers and old lawmen, Grandpa eased open the door and found himself staring bloodshot eyeballs straight to bloodshot eyeballs with the most menacingly frightful beast that he'd ever seen around those parts "must be Hal-lee-ween Grandma ... looks like we got us one o' them there trick-er-treaters!" he excitedly proclaimed ... no sooner could Grandma finish her reply "we ain't never had no trick-er-treaters to ever wander this fer up here the hollar before ... weren't spectin' none neither ... ain't got no treats ceptin' some grits and maybe a biscuit er two" than the audacious creature snatched Grandpa's jug from his bony grasp ... popped the cork ... guzzled down every last drop of that knock-down liquor ... handed the empty jug and cork back over to Grandpa ... swiped a hirsute forearm across frothy lips ... let out a hair-raising shriek ... then catapulted headlong off the end of the porch and headed in the direction of town--knuckles a draggin'-- like a furious banshee!

To make an already too long story short ... that drunken simian hit town with a vengeance, it's first target being the General Store, which it ransacked from the inside out ... then went house to house wreaking havoc and raining down pandemonium ... terrorizing every unfortunate soul in sight ... destroying everything in its path ... it even snatched Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet's new, mail order hat from off her head and voraciously ate it ... by the time the bacchanalian ape's rampaging assault had mercifully came to a conclusion early the following morning, scores of angry folks had already placed frantic calls to Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter informing him of the previous night's happenings, who at once responded lights a flashin' and siren a blarin' along with his Deputy Cletus A. VanMeter at his side ... both lawmen worked feverishly for the better part of the day obtaining victim's statements along with various descriptions of the alleged, offending malefactor ... finally Sheriff Clarence was confident that he had gleaned sufficient information--along with an extremely precise and consistent description--to effect an immediate arrest, so he and Deputy Cletus jumped back into their patrol car and took out of there like they knew where they was headed ... moments later, Lester DooLittle was rudely roused from a deep, drunken stupor to loud, insistent knocking at his front door ... when Lester opened the door there stood Sheriff Clarence and Deputy Cletus both sporting looks on their faces denoting a less-than-sociable visit "mornin' Clarence ... mornin' Cletus ... what can I do fer you fellers?" he asked ... "you're under arrest Lester DooLittle!" declared Sheriff Clarence as Deputy Cletus slapped a shiny set of handcuffs around his bony wrists ... "what fer?" demanded Lester ... "fer malicious destruction o' property and flagitious mayhem" replied the Sheriff ... "what makes you think I did it?" begged Lester ... the Sheriff responded as he placed Lester in the back of the police car "well Lester, you precisely fit the brazen miscreant's description to a T ... stringy hair from head to toe--long ape-like arms--narrow, beady eyes--large, gaping nostrils--gaudy, green shirt--shrill voice--obnoxious, overbearing demeanor--stinks like a mangy mule and reeks of stale, rotgut liquor!"

Have a Happy Halloween! ...


--sja Share/Bookmark

8 comments:

BOB said...

You've outdone yourself, methinks!

Hebetudinous describes me well ...

Case I forget, Happy All Hallows'!!

sja said...

Happy All Hallows to you too Bob!

WV/COVINGTON said...

LOL...THIS ONE IS VERY, VERY FUNNY!
AWESOME JOB SJA.
I THINK YOU REALLY SHOULD TELL THE FINE FOLKS THE STORY ABOUT "BOWNEY"!! LOL

sja said...

Thank you WV/COVINGTON! ...

BOB said...

Happy Halloween Donkey!

Happy Halloween, all!

sja said...

Same to you Bob ... be careful of those ghouls and hobgoblins tonight!

PJ said...

That does it! I 've got to get me a permanent! LOL! I love this new idea. I could sit and read these for hours, but guess I better get rambling on.

I also read get your house in order! That sounds like something I used to do YEARS ago! haha! Back in my "younger, partying days" thank goodness I got out of that! By the way, I'm trying to figure out how to put one of those little square widgets telling people to join me over here on my blog. All I found were those big ones like the one I have for my blog frog. As soon as I figure it out I'll put one on.

God Bless,
PJ

sja said...

PJ, thanks for stopping by ... if you're talking about the small Blogfrog widget in my sidebar, go to your Blogfrog profile page and you will find a link that says "Add A Button To Your Blog" ... there you can choose from the smaller widgets ...