Sunday, October 25, 2009
Urgent Commentary by Jack O' Lantern ...
Jack here ... listen ... my pal Jack Squat just posted a story about how everybody deserves to be kept safe from those who would do them harm ... I agree ... and how certain groups can now safely walk the streets and sleep in their beds at night without fear of harm ... all well and good ... however, what about us Pumpkins??
Each year, as turning leaves begin to splatter the hills with brilliant colors and a crisp chill fills the autumn air, millions upon millions of us pumpkins are dissected, eviscerated and carved into all sorts of weird and hideous shapes and forms ... then to add insult to injury, we're placed on stoops and window sills, usually with burning candles stuck inside of us, and our innards are used to make pies and other various and sundry treats ... oh the pain and humiliation! ... talk about your hate crimes, this is nothing less than blatant discrimination, commercial exploitation, overt violation of civil rights, systematic genocide and murder.
Year after year, I've been forced to sit idly by in my pumpkin patch and helplessly watch countless Cucurbita pepos and autumn squashes being violently severed from their vines and taken away screaming in terror as the stark realization of their tragic fates overcame them ... a particularly agonizing and atrocious event of this nature took place right here last fall ... it saddens me to talk about it, but ... my Uncle Girth, ever the jovial sort, who sat here all last year while being fattened up by Farmer Joe, was without warning loaded onto a flatbed truck by a forklift, paraded all over town, displayed at the county fair ... then ... sorry ... give me a minute ... then poor Girth was sliced and gutted, his innards saved for pie making ... then carved to look like some ugly monster, and put on display for Halloween in the center of the town square ... but the worst part of all that was the impact it had on the local children ... Uncle Girth always loved the children, and was delighted to be in their company ... they would come to the pumpkin patch from miles around just to see him, and have their pictures taken with the big fellow sitting in the background ... but after Uncle Girth was unmercifully carved up to look like a grotesque bogeyman, all the kids were scared to death of him, and would cry and run away from him screaming at the tops of their lungs, while their parents would laugh cruelly and point their fingers at him in disdain ... Girth was then left there all alone to rot away ... so sad!
Here's the gist of my complaint ... the government has taken measures to protect certain groups, so in the interest of fairness and equal rights, why not give us pumpkins some of that protection too? ... stop the madness! ... give us a break, go back to the days when turnips -- rutabagas -- gourds -- potatoes -- beets and other ignoble vegetables were misused as Halloween decorations or to appease evil spirits ... use those cheap, plastic versions from Walmart ... or simply sit there with a hot, smoking candle in your own big mouth ... and frighten the children yourself!!
This has been a pumpkin service announcement from Jack O' Lantern --sja