Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lamar Goes Green ...

I've often told of the many overtly hapless inventions of one extremely innovative young man by the name of Lamar Beefeater ... such as the time he and Luther DooLittle blew the roof clean off Henry Beefeater's corncrib ... consequently, Henry had sternly advised the boys that they would be responsible for the cost of material and labor for the repair and/or restoration of that entire roof, and demanded that work commence at once ... more pressing was the prerequisite that the job be completed within two days, or else ... it was "or else" that had Lamar and Luther more than a bit concerned for their immediate bodily safety and future well-being ... anyhow, those boys gave it their best shot, but by noon of the second day, realization that they were no where close to completing the job within the prescribed time frame began to simmer in their young minds ... along with desperation, which was nearly at the boiling point ... Lamar had to think of a way to speed things up and get that roof done, and fast ... if they just had one of those fancy pneumatic nail guns like real carpenters use, they just might be able to pull it off ... but they didn't have one of those fancy pneumatic nail guns ... so Lamar decided to invent one ... he went in the house and retrieved his daddy's prized Winchester Supreme Field double-barreled, over and under 12-gauge shotgun ... took two 3-inch magnum shells loaded with buckshot, pried open the ends of those shells and emptied out the buckshot onto the ground ... he then inserted those 2 shells still loaded with gunpowder into the chambers of that big shotgun and slammed it shut ... then he took a box of galvanized roofing nails and dumped the entire boxful down its cannon-sized barrels ... he then yelled up to Luther DooLittle, who was perched precariously at the top of a wooden extension ladder which was leaning against the edge of the roof ... "now hold that sheet of metal roofin' real steady while I nail'er in place" ... before Luther had time to declare any protestations, Lamar raised the old Winchester and squeezed both triggers ... I reckon you fellers don't need me to go any further with this story ... but I will say that it took the fire department and paramedics nearly an hour to pry ol' Luther off the side of that corncrib ... both boys would have been much better off had they simply settled for Henry Beefeater's "or else" ...

That brings me to this ... Lamar's latest brainstorm ... the windmill ... Lamar informed his daddy how he had been hearing all these discussions about global warming, destruction of the ozone layer and overall polluting of the environment worldwide ... so he had settled on the conclusion that he should do his part to help conserve our non-renewable natural resources, and produce sustainable free and clean energy, thus saving the planet from total and utter destruction ... Lamar Beefeater was going green! ... he had engineered a grand plan to construct a big windmill just adjacent to the barn for the purpose of producing enough energy to power all the lights and small electrical appliances in the entire neighborhood ... at first, Henry Beefeater had his doubts, but thought maybe his son just might be onto something positive and productive for a change, so he granted Lamar permission to proceed with the project ... and with the reluctant assistance of his friends Luther DooLittle and little Ansel Poteet, Lamar worked nearly day and night for 2 straight weeks before finally finishing the 30-foot-tall behemoth, and was now ready to reveal the contraption to anxious neighbors ... and to his daddy Henry ... so Lamar had everybody gather round his newly constructed apparatus while Henry Beefeater just stood there staring up at its huge green blades -- blades which were not moving ... then Henry asked ... "so Lamar, how much wind does it take before those blades turn enough to produce electricity?" ... with a wounded look on his weary face Lamar replied ... "what do you think I am, stupid? ... I've got that figured out too ... if the wind can't turn those blades, this will! ... just take a look inside the barn" ... as he proudly flung open the barn doors to reveal a 1000 gallon capacity diesel fuel storage tank, which he had painted green, and a 600 horsepower Caterpillar diesel engine, also painted green, with green wires and green gearboxes and green rods and green axles and green pulleys all of which were running out the side of the barn all the way and connected to ... the green windmill ... in his own unique way, Lamar had sincerely gone green! ...


--sja

5 comments:

NENSA MOON said...

Nice post at all.
Lamar...go go green...

BARBARA said...

600 HP DIESEL MOTOR...GOING GREEN INDEED. LAMAR IS CERTAINLY NOT THE
SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER.
SJA...YOU PROVIDE SUCH ENTERTAINING
STORIES.AGAIN, YOU ARE A VERY TALENTED STORY TELLER.

sja said...

You're both too kind! ...

ambiguous_angel said...

green green green!

sja said...

Very green! ... green with envy ...