Wednesday, March 30, 2011

April's Fool! ...

Lamar Beefeater's best pal Luther DooLittle had a first cousin by the name of Clydeen DooLittle - a girl, an often scheming, cantankerous and vengeful one at that - who resided in a nearby town just across the big ridge ... unfortunately for the boys, Clydeen DooLittle was en route by way of railcar to spend a week or so visiting her Grandpa & Grandma DooLittle who lived up at the head of DooLittle Hollar, her appearance was close at hand ... unfortunate because Clydeen had a vituperative dislike for both Luther and Lamar, and was fiercely opposed to their inexorable roguery ... the feeling was mutual ...

Later that afternoon Luther and Lamar found themselves at the train depot impatiently awaiting Clydeen's impending arrival, not so much as to greet her or to make her feel welcome, but rather Grandpa DooLittle had assured the boys in no uncertain terms that if they refused--both would definitely spend some quality time out in the woodshed getting reacquainted with his leather razor strop ... although time seemed to stand still, the hissing old steam engine at last pulled in and ground to a squealing halt ... a fogeyish conductor stepped out and slowly turned to assist Clydeen DooLittle out of the dusty passenger car, along with a matching set of threadbare carpetbags which held her "travelin' possibles" ... as soon as the restless boys caught sight of Clydeen, Luther was suddenly stricken by a wave of knee-buckling queasiness and trepidation, and Lamar's panic and apprehension about took him under ... Clydeen at once spotted the boys and modishly waved, then turned back towards the coach as if she'd forgotten something ... just then a smartly attired ... blonde-haired ... bouncing ponytails ... petite, young lady emerged from the train like a bright ray of sunshine breaking through layers of dark, roiling clouds ... what a looker! ... particularly in contrast to that drably-clothed ... manifestly unattractive ... tomboyish Clydeen DooLittle ... "hello fellers ... I'd like to introduce you to my new, best friend ... this here's April, she came along to keep me company durin' my visit" declared Clydeen ... the little girl's rosy cheeks reddened to an even brighter hue(as did those of the boys)as she fluttered her long eyelashes in rapid succession and a beautiful smile crept from ear to ear exposing a perfectly even set of glistening, pearly-white teeth "why hello boys, delighted to make your acquaintance" she hoarsely uttered ... Luther DooLittle was straightaway thunderstruck by a flaming arrow of love shot from the taught string of Cupid's merciless bow ... and if Luther had his way about it--he would soon be April's beau!

For the next several days Clydeen DooLittle and her lovely companion April ran adventurously and inseparably about the countryside doing what young ladies do--while Lamar Beefeater and the lovesome Luther DooLittle shadowed their every move ... now Clydeen had already warned April as to the rapscallion ways of her cousin Luther, and that she should discourage him at all costs by "dumpin' cold water" on his every advance--and that she did ... all the while Luther continued to pursue the attractive April, and pester the irascible Clydeen as to "fixin' him up" with her appealing friend ... with "sparkin'" on his mind, he feverishly harassed both girls to no avail until finally the exasperated girls determined to bring about an embarrassingly abrupt cessation of Luther's persistent and unrelenting badgering ... so Clydeen explained to Luther that her friend April had disclosed to her in private conversation that she only associated with amoristic gentlemen who were practiced kissers, and that it was glaringly obvious to her that he/Luther possessed neither the bold countenance nor any of the sophisticated mannerisms which are peculiar attributes displayed by that of any prodigious or capable osculator ... but he was not to sink into a miry pit of despondency ... for April had had a change of heart, and was willing to offer Luther a rare opportunity to prove his smooching prowess, or lack thereof ... it was to be kept secret of course, but that very evening as soon as it grew pitch dark outside, Luther was to stealthily proceed to the back of Grandpa DooLittle's barn, where was a lone window opening, its rickety cover loosely dangling by a single, rusty hinge ... Luther was to quietly approach that window from the outside, then blindfolded he was to stick his head through the opening ... April was to be braced and waiting anxiously for his kiss in the darkness within the barn ... Luther could hardly believe his luck, and unquestionably agreed to the proposition ... he would be at the barn window that night as planned ...

Well ol' Luther could hardly wait, but finally it got sufficiently dark, so he grabbed a lantern and hurriedly made his way to the back of Grandpa DooLittle's barn, where he met up with his cousin Clydeen ... whereupon she took the lantern from his shaking hand, then quickly blindfolding him she led him to the open window ... "okay Luther, pucker up now and stick yer head through that there winder ... and lay one right on 'er!" insisted Clydeen ... Luther did just that ... his pursed lips made contact with the softest most inviting mouth that he could ever had imagined in a thousand years ... while the familiar scent of April's perfume and flowery talcum powder wafted amongst that of fresh hay bales and cow manure ... that there kiss just went on and on ... Luther had to break away for a quick breath then he dived right back in and reattached himself to those delicious lips once more ... and again he had to stop for another gulp of air ... Luther wanted more, but feared that April would think him as being too overbearing or forward, so he figured he would be careful and polite and ask for a third kiss "Miss April, would you mind terribly if I kissed you but once more, please?" ... there was a short hesitation, then April replied "well I reckon so ... just make it quick ... I'm gettin' tired of holdin' this heavy ol' bullfrog!" ... Luther's knees suddenly felt wobbly and a million butterflies took flight within his churning gut at the thought of it ... "bullfrog?!" ... about then a few stifled giggles and chuckles exploded into an earsplitting chorus of trumpet-like guffaws as Luther scrambled for his lantern ... upon turning it up he discovered his pal Lamar Beefeater and Clydeen DooLittle, along with a dozen or so of his best "friends" ... he then rushed over to the "kissin'" window and stuck the lantern inside ... there stood a hysterical April all but overcome by the hilarity of the situation ... in the palms of her hands rested a big, fat, ugly bullfrog sporting a thick coating of flowery talcum powder and bright red lipstick smeared all over its bloated mouth ... Luther DooLittle forthwith lost all interest in becoming April's beau ... but he would be all and forever April's fool!



texwisgirl said...

Oh poor Luther!!! And no princess from that kissed frog either!!! :)

BOB said...

Boys will be boys ... and girls too!

Good story ... No foolin'

I'm having trouble with me email ... let me know what you last received from me, bitte.

Michael said...

I sure deed lik that wun john. Not to bigga werds fer me. I follered it rite easy. I had sumthn rite simmylar happan in a barn back in west virginya.

BOB said...


Better to be a fool today than any other ... I just bought a "new" car ... a 1995.

No, I'm not a collector ... the one Carol and I bought from a friend is in great disrepair ... and I had to do something.

It's been a good car, it's a 1994 we got back in 1996!

That's no April Fools!

PJ said...

Hahahahaha! Served him right.

God Bless!