Sunday, April 3, 2011

Clogged ...


It is widely known that the prodigious and renowned centenarian Virgil Hunnicutt was rumoured to be well above one hundred years of age, and a near genius in possession and ready command of an astronomically Brobdingnagian intellect, all the while put upon to conduct the day to day affairs of this life in an habitual state of almost complete deafness and total blindness ... however, his being "hard o' hearin' and dim-sighted" were not his only maladies ... Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt ate poorly so to speak, not so much as in quantity, rather Uncle Virgil devoured everything and anything he desired or could get his hands on, and often ... consequently, poor Virgil developed a profoundly solid and unmovable case of acute constipation ... this in spite of his various and sundry attempts at home remedies such as the ingestion of prunes ... spinach ... green apples ... linseed and castor oils ... a mixture of lime juice and salt in hot water ... drinking water kept all night in a copper kettle ... and lengthy strolls all about the countryside, amongst others ... the resulting outcome proved to be a disappointing and a disheartening failure ... thus Virgil's only remaining alternative was to pay a visit to some dreadful doctor specializing in gastroenterology ...

The very next morning Virgil Hunnicutt found himself anxiously sitting in a brightly-lit, albeit chilly doctor's examination room ... attired in nothing more than one of those skimpy hospital gowns ... all open down the back ... in short time an enthusiastically energetic young physician entered the room, an enormous and shiny stethoscope draped loosely around his neck ... followed by a starchy, stern looking nurse ... "what seems to be ailing you today Mister Hunnicutt?" he blithely enquired while applying the cold instrument to the elderly outpatient's nervously heaving chest ... Virgil's reply was unhesitatingly precise and direct "constipation sir, despite all my efforts to the contrary!" ... the doctor smiled warmly, then declared in an overtly confident, professional and authoritative manner "not to worry my good man, I believe I've got just the therapeutic treatment on hand that should relieve you expeditiously Mister Hunnicutt ... I'll be right back!" at which he and his amylaceous assistant exited the room leaving the door slightly ajar ... moments later Virgil heard a loud commotion out in the hallway, so he eased over and took a gander through the gap in the open door ... there he spied a somber-looking fellow donned in a long trench coat and wheeling some sort of heavy, metal-framed machine directly toward and adjacent to his examination room--where he left it ... this apparatus sported some type of motor or gasoline engine, along with a large spool upon which was wound a thick band of steel no less than an inch in width and quite possibly exceeding one hundred feet in length ... at the end of that steel band was a gruesome brass knob about the size of a ripe walnut ... the contraption's "operator" was apparently on his way to retrieve even more devices and equipment when the doctor interrupted his progress and demanded of the man that he "rest not until the blockage is forthwith located and straightaway thoroughly removed ... no matter the cost ... even to the dismantling of the entire system--end to end!" ... well Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt had seen and heard sufficiently enough ... as he crawled out the window in such a rush that he forgot his clothes ...

It was a beautiful day as Lester DooLittle leisurely steered his daddy's pickup truck along the winding country road while enjoying all the sights and sensations associated with early spring ... the sun's rays shimmered warmly against his face ... a pleasant breeze carrying the scents of blossoming trees and patches of flowers blooming purple and yellow wafted about his nostrils ... dense, green grass richly carpeted the gently inclined banks at each side of the gravel lane--where an elderly, barefooted gentleman attempted to frantically wend his way as rapidly as possible along the edge of the narrow, brushy ditch line--attired in nothing more than one of those skimpy hospital gowns ... all open down the back ... Lester slowly pulled up alongside the scantily clad pedestrian and ground to a stop ... Uncle Virgil flung open the door and breathlessly crawled into the cab of the truck "drive boy drive!" was his command "neither slow down nor stop till at my gate!" ... it was not until Virgil was safely within the familiar walls of his abode that he explained his frightening encounter at the doctor's office to Lester DooLittle "I shall never again knowingly cross the threshold of any coldhearted sawbones no matter the asperity of the affliction ... I'll stick with my home remedies--though eternal dyschezia may be my fate!" ... that along with a request that Lester go there and fetch his clothes ... Lester DooLittle immediately complied, and upon his arrival explained to the flummoxed doctor the substance and purpose of his errand ... the nurse had previously collected Virgil's belongings and placed them in a sterile plastic tote, and as she handed it to Lester the doctor asked the boy if he was aware of the reasoning behind Uncle Virgil's unannounced, unexpected and manifestly precipitous departure from the medical facility ... Lester assured him that he was as mystified as they as to the cause ... at which the frustrated doctor proclaimed "well please inform Mister DooLittle, that if he felt cold-shouldered or brushed aside, that it certainly was not my intention of doing so ... you must understand that we've suffered about for many a day now here at the office from a wretchedly clogged drain  ... and I was momentarily put upon by the plumber as to the general location by which he should concentrate his efforts ... please convey our sincerest apologies to Mister Hunnicutt ... and wish him well!"


--sja
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4 comments:

texwisgirl said...

well, from what i've heard about enemas administered at those lovely spas and such, they're not much different!

BOB said...

I know the feeling, having tried most of them remedies, one time or another ... and a few others too.

I ain't no near genius like Uncle Virgil ... he's just a near genius, I'm smart enough to stay out of them places, at least while I can still walk.

BOB said...

Well, I unintentionally hit the publish button and then tied up for the day ... now I forgotten what I was going to say!

Actually it was the number "5" ... the number of times I recall making a fool of myself by jumping to conclusions based on overheard conversations and events observed from afar.

Six? ... not likely ... I haven't learned my lesson, but like Uncle Virgil, I'm near blind and can hardly hear.

Stormin' here ... to beat the band!

PJ said...

Hey SJA! I'm trying to get back in the swing of things, but for some reason I'm having a hard time! Sorry it's been so long! I'll try to do better! I loved your post! LOL! I'm a bad one for jumping to conclusions, so I can sympathize with him. God Bless!
PJ