Saturday, April 17, 2010
Down At The Swimmin' Hole ...
Lester DooLittle ... Luther DooLittle's cousin, Luther being the lifelong friend of Lamar Beefeater ... Lester had an old, worn-out pair of hip waders ... in case you aren't familiar with hip waders, they are like gumboots that come all the way up to the waist or higher, at times held up by shoulder straps thus permitting an individual inclined to wade around in waist deep water, or deeper, to not get wet downwards ... now the trio had planned a trout fishing trip up at the mouth of Slippery Creek, and the only way to get up there was by canoe ... determined anglers would launch their vessels at a wide spot downstream and paddle upstream through deep water past the swimming hole to where the shallows were ... it was at these shallows that most of the big trout lurked, and hip waders could be used so as to stand right out there amongst 'em and tempt the aquatic vertebrates with various and sundry morsels attached to one's hook ... so Lester DooLittle was in dire need of a new pair of hip waders.
Well, $179.99 plus tax later, Lester met up with his cousin Luther and friend Lamar at their usual wide spot near Slippery Creek as proud as a strutting peafowl, wearing a brand-new pair of Cabela's LaCrosse Alpha Swampfox Waist-High Waders ready to head upstream toward the shallows ... and that's all Lester was wearing, no shirt, no britches, no under-britches ... nothin' ... he had become so accustomed to those old hip waders leaking that he figured there was no sense in wearing any clothes beneath, if he did, those clothes always ended up soaked with water ... so the hapless crew set forth paddling upstream through deep water toward the shallow fishing hole ... Lester was as excited as a starving chimp in a loaded banana tree eager to try out those new waders ... the boys were almost there, just maneuver through the swimming hole and paddle around the bend and the fun would commence.
It so happened that the swimming hole was unusually busy that day ... small boys and girls swimming at the edge of the creek, bigger girls and boys diving into the forty-foot-deep water from boulders and tree limbs, or from hanging grapevines and ropes, and older folks sitting on blankets or in folding chairs on the bank intently watching to make sure none of the youngsters got seriously hurt or drowned ... amid all those small kids, bigger kids and older folks was a group of about thirty young ladies from over at the college wearing extremely skimpy bikinis ... Lester DooLittle had always considered himself as a ladies' man, and tried attract attention to himself any way he could when in their presence ... so he couldn't help himself when he stood up in that canoe waving his arms above his head and yelling at the top of his lungs at those scantily-clad young ladies ... well every semi-intelligent person knows that you never stand up in a canoe ... Lester DooLittle was well-aware of that fact too ... he just didn't realize it in the heat of the moment, lost his balance and sailed out into that deep water nearly taking Luther and Lamar with him.
Immediately, those Cabela's LaCrosse Alpha Swampfox Waist-High Waders filled with water from the top, and the tremendous weight took them along with Lester to the bottom of that forty-foot-deep swimming hole as quickly as if they were a ship's anchor ... there on the bottom of Slippery Creek's deepest spot Lester DooLittle realized that he had only a couple of options ... he could pull the hip wader's straps from off his shoulders and swim to safety as naked as a jaybird in front of all those folks causing a lifetime of shame and embarrassment for himself, and lose his new hip waders forever ... or he could simply remain right there where he was until he succumbed to the situation thus losing his life, but hanging on to his pride ... unfortunately Lester DooLittle opted for the latter.
As Lester slowly slogged his way up to the Pearly Gates, dripping water everywhere, he was stopped by Saint Peter who asked "just where do you think you're going boy, you can't enter through these gates looking like that?!" ... Lester answered "I know I'm all wet sir, but I was hoping to come inside, it won't take me long to dry off" ... Saint Peter then replied "it's not the fact that you're all wet ... you're NAKED! ... now go back and cover yourself, then try another day!" ... when Lester came to and opened his eyes he was lying on his back at the creek's edge staring up at two paramedics, several small boys and girls, several bigger boys and girls, several older folks and a group of about thirty young ladies from over at the college wearing extremely skimpy bikinis ... all staring down at him in assorted states of shock while chuckling uncontrollably ... "where's my new hip waders?" enquired Lester of the paramedic, who then answered in kind ... "why they're still at the bottom of Slippery Creek, they had to be left behind!"