Backwoods Olympics ...

Just a quick report pertaining to the latest happenings at the annual DooLittle Olympics which was recently hosted by Grandpa & Grandma DooLittle out behind their barn ... some of which were fraught with a bit of folly and suspense ... musical entertainment was supplied by Ansel Poteet who played the banjo, Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt on fiddle and Grandpa DooLittle alternated between the mouth harp and jug while Grandma DooLittle danced a lively Irish Slip Jig around the chicken coup--Grandma also lit the Ceremonial Oil Lantern ... as to the various contests, Lester DooLittle took 1st. prize in the Watermelon Seed Spittin' Contest with a record-breaking projection of nearly 57 feet ... the previous record of 52 feet which had been set by the Widow VanMeter had stood for 16 years ... Lester also performed well in the Armpit Serenade, along with the Sedgewick brothers ... the Horseshoes event saw Lamar Beefeater come out on top with a total of 17 ringers, Luther DooLittle came in close behind with 14 ringers ... the Widow VanMeter came in first place in the Mudpit Belly Flop, followed by her son Sheriff Clarence A.VanMeter who landed a close second and Clodine DooLittle fell in at a very distant third place ...

Unfortunately a frightening incident occurred during the Bobbin' Fer Pigs' Feet event which brought the entire show to a screeching halt when Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet insisted on participating sans her false teeth ... Birdie Mae had her head immersed under water for an extraordinarily long period of time as she attempted to latch onto an abnormally large pig's knuckle ... she finally got a fairly solid grip on the thing just as she was about to run out of oxygen ... Birdie Mae was desperate to inhale some air, but failed to let loose of that pig's foot before she did ... so when she jerked her head out from the Bobbin' Tub, Birdie Mae sucked that big ol' pig knuckle right down her throat and was about to choke clean to death ... luckily the ever vigilant Deputy Sheriff Cletus A. VanMeter, Sheriff Clarence's first cousin and chief deputy who was patrolling nearby, quickly performed a flawless rendition of the Heimlich maneuver on Birdie Mae as her life was mercifully spared ... the offending projectile however did strike Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt on the back of his head knuckle end first when it came shooting out of Aunt Birdie Mae's gullet thus knocking the wise centenarian face first onto the dirt and into a state of blissful unconsciousness ... due to these tragic and unforeseen occurrences, Grandpa DooLittle called off all remaining events and the 2010 DooLittle Olympics came to an abrupt close ... the Turkey Shoot, along with the Rock Skippin' contest had already been canceled because DooLittle Creek had all but run dry ... and just to make certain that no lamentable experiences occur in the future such as that of Aunt Birdie Mae Poteet ... a new stipulation has been put in place for next year by Grandpa DooLittle ... "if you can't gnaw the kernels off an ear of sweet corn without your false teeth, then you must wear 'em durin' all events ... all contestants will be required to undergo qualifying prior to entering the gate!" ... and for those of you who might be concerned with the welfare and condition of one Virgil Hunnicutt ... he has regained consciousness ... we think ... but is yet to speak!


UPDATE: I just received this report from Barbershop Bob ... who seems to have showed up at the DooLittle Olympics a day late and a dollar short ... but ended up making out like an armed bandit in the end ... the following is what Bob had to say ... almost verbatim:

{So that's what happened! The "DooLittle Olympics" are always looked forward to by the old barbershop's patrons with great anticipation ... and we're always busy that day, what with folks wanting to get themselves all gussied up and all. We close at noon though, so as not to miss out on the late afternoon doins' ... only this year, there weren't none and everybody was gone when I got there, well, everybody except Lamar and Luther who were packing up the Beefeater family truck with Lamar's Mama's unsold pies and such. That they won the horseshoe competition came as no surprise ... when not otherwise engaged in mischief, they're usually to be found out back of the barbershop hustling folks at horseshoes. Now if you've ever tasted one of Maude Beefeater's homemade pies, then you know why I was so surprised to see that truck loaded with her pies ... the Olympics used to include a pie baking contest, but that was discontinued when Aunt Birdie Mae and the Widow VanMeter bitterly complained that Maude always won. A few years back when Birdie Mae was sick, Maude baked her one special ... and wouldn't you know it, she entered that in the competition ... it won too, but was later disqualified when Grandpa Doolittle found the get well card from Maude still in the box.

Since then, Maude has always offered her pies for sale at the Olympics ... well, to be precise, Luther and Lamar converted an old Doolittle Lemonade stand and sold them ... two dollars a pie ... always sold out too, with folks asking for more! This year, not a single pie was sold, no not one ... the boys had no explanation but Lamar thought Aunt Birdie Mae was behind the boycott. Well, seeing this as a rare window of opportunity, I quickly offered to buy a few ... only to find out that the boys wanted $4.00 a pie! Luther was quick to explain the increase ... "we didn't want to raise them prices, but the cost of everything has gone up 10 percent ... eggs, sugar, fruit, flour and milk ... when you add it all up, that's 50% so you see, we had no choice but to do it!" I guess I just stood there with my mouth wide open 'cause Lamar then added ... "I know what you're thinkin' Mister Bob, a 50% increase would would mean charging only $3.00, but Uncle Virgil warned us that if we raised prices 50% we could expect a 50% decrease in sales, so we raised it up to $4.00 to make up the difference." So I told them boys ... "I ain't no near genius like Virgil Hunnicutt, but it's easy to see that he was right ... and, if you had asked him, I'm sure he would have told you if you raised them 100% you could expect a 100% decrease in sales ... which is exactly what you got!" It took some doing but I finally convinced Lamar that taking all them pies back to his mama wasn't the very best of ideas and they accepted my generous offer of one dollar a pie for the lot! They're now on sale down at the shop for $2.00 each, same as usual ... while supplies last!}

--sja