April Fools! ...

Most folks know what great fun it is to pull harmless pranks on friend and foe alike on the first day of April each year which is commonly known as "April Fools' Day" ... Lamar Beefeater and Luther DooLittle were no different, as a matter of fact April Fools' Day was one of the boys' favorite "holidays" second only to Halloween ... yes, they considered April Fools' Day as a holiday ... and they had conceived a grand plan for observance of the next one.

Now some of you probably remember the big possum that was accidentally spifflicated in the unfortunate scooter crash involving Lamar and Luther as recounted in my previous post entitled "Cardio Possum Resuscitation" ... in spite of Lamar's infamous, albeit heroic attempt at bringing the slain marsupial back to the land of the living by means of his flawless performance of the "kiss of life"--the possum stayed dead ... and upon his timely arrival at the scene of the wreck, Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter ordered the boys to forthwith remove all debris from the roadway, including the possum carcass, in lieu of their receiving a hefty citation for littering and reckless driving ... so the boys placed the mangled critter inside of a cardboard box, duct taped it shut and tossed it in the bushes ... left with no scooter to entertain the hapless lads, their thoughts immediately turned to making plans for April Fools' Day.

Lamar and Luther knew that one of the few highlights of the day for centenarian Virgil Hunnicutt was to stroll out to his mailbox each day and check for any letters which may have been sent to him from the Widow VanMeter, Sheriff Clarence A. VanMeter's dear mother, of whom Uncle Virgil had been "pen pals" with since the widow's husband was killed by a stray bolt of lightning many years prior ... so the mischievous pair decided it would make for a harmless, yet dandy April Fools' prank to retrieve that box containing the extremely odoriferous and rapidly decomposing remains of the deceased possum and mail it to Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt under the pretense that it was a gift sent him from the Widow VanMeter ... the boys would then ride their bicycles back and forth in front of Uncle Virgil's house until the mailman delivered the offensive package, then watch the fun ... there was only one problem, the postmaster was more than a bit suspicious of the boys' actions, and had promptly alerted Virgil Hunnicut to the fact that something just didn't smell quite right about the whole situation, and that maybe Virgil should come down to the post office so he could open the package in his presence, just to be on the safe side ... and that he did.

The next day Lamar and Luther excitedly mounted their trusty two-wheeled steads and sped over to Uncle Virgil's place to ride around out front while awaiting the impending arrival of the April Fools' delivery ... upon their arrival, there sat Uncle Virgil on the front porch in his rocking chair, also apparently watching for the mailman ... a few tense minutes passed and here came the mailman ... and there went the mailman ... didn't even stop, didn't even slow down as he went by, just an odd smile and a wave as he passed ... the boys were at a loss, what had happened to their parcel, had the mailman delivered it earlier prior to their arrival? ... had it been lost? ... they looked over at Uncle Virgil just as he flagged them down and asked if the mailman had been by yet ... "why yes" Lamar replied, "but he didn't stop, just waved and smiled, and drove on by" ... Virgil said, "well fellers, if you don't mind, since you're already right there next to my mailbox, open 'er up and see if there's anything inside, just to be sure, it'll save an old man a long walk out there and back" ... with seemingly nothing peculiar about the request Lamar graciously complied, figuring that if the dead opossum had been delivered earlier, unbeknownst to them all, he would simply carry it to Uncle Virgil as if none the wiser, then hastily retreat back to the road to observe the happenings with his cohort Luther DooLittle.

Well, as soon as Lamar opened the door on Uncle Virgil's old mailbox, both he and Luther were simultaneously struck in their faces with something akin to boiling acid or liquid fire ... then the malodorous aroma caught up with the searing pain as both victims fell to the ground barely able to breathe and rendered nearly totally blind ... Skunk!! ... they'd been sprayed by a skunk ... a big, mean skunk too! ... Uncle Virgil was laughing so hard he nearly flipped backwards out of his rocking chair as the young pranksters wallowed around on the ground in obvious misery ... the angry Mephitis mephitis dropped down onto the ground and gave the squirming boys a few more scalding squirts just for good measure, then leisurely ambled off into some tall grass beside of the road ... Virgil Hunnicutt continued to guffaw like a crazed hyena nearly sending himself into convulsions in the process ... you see, Virgil had been having trouble with skunks nesting under his corn crib, so he had been trapping and relocating the pesky creatures for quite some time ... he had nabbed this overtly-aggressive beast three days before, and it had been getting angrier by the minute awaiting relocation and release while incarcerated in Uncle Virgil's cage trap ... when he was alerted by the postmaster as to the boys' puerile prank, Virgil simply reversed it on them, for you see, it had been a longstanding rumor that Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt was a near genius with an astronomically Brobdingnagian IQ ... there must have been some basis to that longstanding rumor, for his demonstrable brilliance had once again struck a fatal blow against profound stupidity ... Lamar and Luther finally regained a small measure of composure and were able to draw in a few deep breaths, eventually enough partial eyesight returned to where they could get to their feet and head toward home in search of some tomato juice ... as they stumbled away like a pair of boozy roosters, Virgil Hunnicutt recovered sufficient aplomb to convey the following ... "Happy April Fools' Day ... fools!!


--sja