It's crazy ... folks gettin' up outta bed long before the chickens rise ... goin' out in the often windy and cold darkness just to stand in some long, endless line waitin' for some store to open its doors so they can trample each other in the frenzied stampede to rush inside and spend their hard-earned money on all those two-dollar, discount gadgets that they would never consider buying at any other time of the year ... it's crazy ... it's the dreaded
"BLACK FRIDAY" ... oh I've been there and done that ... and if you must, may I suggest full body armor or riot gear as your attire of choice!
Long before it was called Black Friday, some folks were behaving themselves as if it were ... there was this big sale of momentous implications down at the General Store ... the advertised, featured draws were
"purchase 2 cans of Odens Classic Original Snuff, get 1 can free" and
"30% off each poke of 'Treat Yourself To The Best' Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco" ... well, quite a few shoppers eager to take advantage of this
"once-in-a-lifetime opportunity" had already begun to gather at the door in anticipation of the unusually early store opening time of 9:00 AM ...and just like the Black Fridays of today, everybody wanted to get through that door first before supplies vanished from the shelves ... particularly Lester DooLittle what was there for the Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco, while Grandma DooLittle what was there for the Odens Classic Snuff, both of whom had arrived at the store at essentially the same time ... Lester actually stepped up onto the porch first with Grandma right at his heels, however he immediately ambled over to where Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt and Grandpa DooLittle were engaged in a heated game of checkers and began to watch as Grandma hurried directly to the door so as to be the first inside.
Now I don't believe that I've ever mentioned this here feller by name before, but when the storekeeper, Miry Clay was his name, began to turn the key in that rusty doorlock, everybody straightaway rushed forward so as to get inside when the door swung open ... along with Lester DooLittle, who forthwith came flyin' over and rudely cut right in front of Grandma DooLittle ... well Grandma wasn't havin' none of that ... she grabbed Lester by the earlobe and painfully yanked the execrable juvenile out of her way, at which he whirled around and demanded that she immediately release his suddenly smarting auditory receptor ...
"you better git outta my way Lester DooLittle, I was here first ... I need to git in there and git my snuff 'fore it's all gone!" Grandma DooLittle determinedly demanded ...
"I was first on the porch ... and I need to git in there and git my Mail Pouch Chewin' Tobacco!" Lester defiantly declared, he then again attempted to proceed through the door ahead of Grandma ... this time however, Grandma DooLittle hooked the crook of her hickory walking cane around Lester's neck and jerked so hard that it nearly turned his Adam's apple into applesauce as he landed firmly on his behind on the wooden porch ... with a look of startled disbelief on his scruffy face Lester sprung to his feet, and began an obnoxious line of verbal sass a mile long toward Grandma DooLittle
"and furthermore, you're my kin and all, I do respect that, along with the fact that you're old as the hills ... but I'm a gonna go through that there doorway first ... one way, or the other!" he spewed, as he once again stepped in front of Grandma, at which she again utilized her trusty cane, only this time she brought it down squarely on top Lester's head with a loud crack! ... ol' Lester went down like a sack o' taters, knocked out colder than a late November cucumber ... as Grandma started to step over Lester's sprawled carcass Miry Clay the storekeeper blocked her path
"hold on there folks, I need to git this here feller inside and make sure he's okay before I can let anybody else in" at which Miry Clay drug Lester DooLittle's apparently exanimate body inside the store and broke a vial of smellin' salts underneath his gaping nostrils ... Lester stirred a bit, shook his head then opened his squinty, crossed eyes
"where am I ... what happened?" he begged ... Miry Clay informed the dizzy boy that he'd been struck in the head with a hickory stick, and that he was now inside the General Store ... Lester rolled over onto all fours, grabbed hold of the store's wooden counter and slowly pulled himself to his feet as Miry Clay again unlocked the door to allow the waiting customers to enter, especially Grandma DooLittle ... Lester reached over the counter and retrieved about half-a-dozen boxes of the 30% off Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco just as Grandma DooLittle passed by with a smirk on her wrinkled face and a glare in her gleaming eyes he proudly exclaimed
"see there ol' woman ... I told you I was gonna go through that there doorway first ... one way, or the other!"
--sja
