Monday, June 7, 2010
No Hard Feelings ...
Now that I seem to have amassed a whole passel of you ladies who read my posts, I'll recount a short story possibly to your liking ... as I've touched on many times, lifelong friends Lamar Beefeater and Luther DooLittle have provided an excess of ludicrous folly over the years as far as amusing and calamitous tarradiddles are concerned ... such is the following condensed tale ... Luther DooLittle had a cousin about two years his elder who's name was Clodine, a girl ... Clodine DooLittle lived with her mother and father in the next county over ... the only time Luther saw his girl cousin Clodine was at the DooLittle reunion held each year at Grandpa and Grandma DooLittle's place ... now that reunion was usually a joyous and fun occasion for all concerned, all except for Luther DooLittle, who had been fraught with increasing apprehension each day as the get together approached ... you see, the previous year Luther had picked a fight with his cousin Clodine by yanking on her ponytail ... Clodine whirled around and shoved Luther ... Luther shoved back ... Clodine took a prizefighter's stance then delivered three swift lefts and a brutal right ... Luther found himself sitting on the ground staring down at his tooth lying in the dirt in front of him ... Clodine peered down at Luther with a bit of a smirk and said "no hard feelings" then smugly walked away ... the gravely embarrassed Luther vowed that he would get back at her when the next annual DooLittle reunion rolled around ... my how time flies ... the yearly homecoming was the very next day.
As I said, Luther had been gravely embarrassed since getting his clock cleaned by a girl and had been bragging and boasting to all his friends about how he was going to get back at his cousin Clodine ... his best pal Lamar Beefeater asked Luther if he was going to fistfight with Clodine again ... Luther assured Lamar that pugilism with a girl wouldn't be quite the honorable nor gentlemanly thing to do, although for reasons which had nothing to do with his respect for womenfolk ... no Luther DooLittle was simply scared to death of Clodine as far as further fisticuffs were concerned and everybody knew it ... but Luther had a plan up his sleeve ... well it was more than a plan, the next day right before the family shindig Luther stuffed a big, ugly warty toad beneath his shirt and began searching for his cousin Clodine ... he found her sitting under a shade tree sipping apple cider with his friend Lamar Beefeater ... perfect situation ... Lamar would be a credible witness as he scared the life out of her with that warty toad right there in front of the entire DooLittle clan.
As Luther cautiously sauntered up to Clodine she quickly rose to her feet not knowing what he might be up to, but more than ready and willing to oblige him if he desired to take up where they had left off the year before ... Luther quickly reassured Clodine that he meant her no harm and that "no hard feelings" lingered from their previous encounter ... then as a gesture of peace and sincerity Luther offered to permit Clodine to embrace his pet toad, which he placed directly in her hands before she had a chance to refuse, fully expecting the young girl to scream and run away in terror ... instead Clodine replied "oh how cute!" as she lifted the homely creature up to her mouth and kissed it right on the lips ... at this point Luther was more than a tad bit befuddled at what he had just seen, Clodine wasn't afraid of that nasty ol' toad in the least ... Clodine then explained how she had never been really that mad at Luther and that he had always been her favorite cousin ... as a show of good faith she offered to let Luther handle her beloved pet too, at which she retrieved a gigantic, hairy tarantula she had affectionately named 'George' from her apron pocket, and before Luther had a chance to refuse she placed the big genus Lycosa right on his chest as it immediately began to crawl toward his throat ... every living soul in DooLittle Hollar heard the screams and saw George fly about twenty feet straight up in the air then come back down and land right back in Clodine DooLittle's apron pocket as Luther DooLittle ran down the lane like a scalded prairie chicken toward the gate ... Clodine exclaimed "no hard feelings" as Luther's fleeting strides hit the gravel road leading out of the hollar and his frantic screams eventually faded out of earshot ... and like they say, there's always next year!
Posted by Anonymous at 8:05 PM