Friday, June 25, 2010
Bailout Blues ...
Here's a bit of aged humour written at the height of the bailout days ... a now irrelevant topic, but thought I'd post it again just for fun ... the DooLittle clan had been peddling homemade lemonade each summer for several decades now from a movable stand situated in the center of the town square ... an endeavor which had become a family tradition ... this industrious undertaking had always been an extremely profitable enterprise for the DooLittles ... until just recently that is ... the local economy had tanked and folks weren't spending much money on lemonade ... at least they weren't spending much of it at the DooLittle stand ... which under such inauspicious conditions appeared to be hanging on the brink of certain failure and ultimate closure ... could it be the end of an era? ... now Lester DooLittle was an indolent young fella who considered himself to be a thinker of the highest order ... so Lester took it upon himself to think of a way to assure the continued existence of the lemonade stand ... consequently he settled on the idea of going before town council to request a huge monetary bailout ... he would simply explain how important it was to the town's continued economic vitality that DooLittle Lemonade Inc. not be allowed to go out of business ... after all, DooLittle Lemonade Inc. was just too big to fail!
On the day council members had gathered to hear the DooLittle's urgent appeal ... Lester combed his hair, donned his best Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, climbed on his shiny, new Schwinn bike and headed across town to council chambers ... to his surprise as he wound his way through the tree-lined streets he saw numerous other lemonade stands with folks waiting in long lines to purchase tall glassfuls of his competitors' lemonade ... sounds of laughter, children playing and birds singing filled the balmy, summer air ... life seemed good ... but how dare they buy lemonade from anyone other than a DooLittle?? ... eventually Lester arrived at town hall just as his turn came to present his petition before the usually accommodating council members ... he nervously rose to his feet, gathered his composure then sheepishly proceeded to explain how that folks were no longer buying DooLittle lemonade at an economically sustainable level ... how that the town's economy would likely not survive if the DooLittle lemonade stand ceased to exist ... and how that the Doolittle lemonade stand would most definitely go out of business unless an enormous bailout was awarded on behalf of the town and it's taxpayers ... finally, Lester surmised that if DooLittle Lemonade Inc. were allowed to go out of business that certain doom and everlasting destruction lurked just around the corner for all of civilized humanity ... after all, DooLittle Lemonade Inc. was just too big to fail!
Senior councilman Hunnicutt cleared his throat, raised a bushy eyebrow and began to speak ... "Mister DooLittle sir, your family has been operating an extremely lucrative and successful lemonade stand around these parts for as long as I am able to reasonably remember ... and the DooLittles have made a Brobdingnagian amount of money at immense profit margins ... however the keys to your prosperity hasn't always fit in the tumblers of honorable business practices ... the DooLittle's began using bad lemons and cheap corn syrup when making their lemonade, while your competitors use only the finest lemons and pure cane sugar as their ingredients ... the DooLittles now serve their lemonade in small Dixie cups with little ice if any, as other stands offer tall glasses with plenty of ice, and even a straw upon request ... the DooLittles are no longer reliable, only opening their stand when convenient to the DooLittles, other stands are open on a regular basis ... furthermore your competitors' lemonade stands regularly reinvest the majority of their profits back into their businesses, the DooLittles seldom reinvest as much as a nickel of their vast profits back into DooLittle Lemonade Inc. for the exclusive purpose of improving or maintaining their lemonade stand, rather they spend huge sums of cash to take extravagant vacations and purchase luxury rental properties, fast cars, boats, spiffy clothes and shiny, new Schwinn bicycles! ... last, but not least, the DooLittles are currently charging a whole dollar for a small cupful of that lukewarm swill they dare to call lemonade, while none of your competitors are charging more than a quarter for a tall, refreshing, icy glassful of superior quality citrus beverage ... the DooLittles can only blame the DooLittles for this precarious and long foreseen conundrum ... it would be neither fair to your competitors nor prudent for the taxpayers of this tiny hamlet to subsidize the continued profligate and reckless existence of DooLittle Lemonade Inc. ... this council's answer to your absurd request sir is emphatically NO!"
A dejected Lester DooLittle slowly ambled out the door now stricken by an onslaught of full-blown bailout blues ... his head hung in defeat bearing the stark realization that DooLittle Lemonade Inc. wasn't too big to fail after all ... the DooLittles had known for quite some time that their lemonade was deficient in quality and excessive in price, but they had never been genuinely concerned with the concept of customer satisfaction and had done nothing to insure it ... the DooLittles had only been interested in making a quick and easy dollar ... eventually Lester was able to obtain gainful employment selling lemonade for one of his previous competitors ... lemonade stands were flourishing all around town ... the town's economy had not collapsed under the weight of the loss of DooLittle Lemonade Inc. ... sounds of laughter could be heard ... children were playing in the streets ... and birds were singing in the balmy, summer air ... life was good!