Saturday, February 27, 2010
Taxidermy 101 ...
Recently Lamar Beefeater graduated from taxidermy school and set up a temporary studio in his parents Henry and Maude Beefeater's attached garage ... he also enlisted the help of his best pal Luther DooLittle, giving him the title of apprentice par excellence ... surprisingly Lamar proved to be very proficient, word spread of his fine craftsmanship and the endeavor took off like gangbusters ... "Lamar's Stuffed Stuff" as it was called had become a great success as clients were coming from miles around to patronize Lamar's shop, anon the boys were overwhelmed with stuff to stuff ... in no time, all of his daddy's shelves and cabinets had been filled with their completed work, every nook and cranny had some type of stuffed mammal crammed into it, so Henry told the boys it was time to go out and look for another place to operate their business, they had to move everything out of the garage, and soon ... that evening the boys took to the road to scout out a new location for "Lamar's Stuffed Stuff."
The boys searched the local countryside until nearly nightfall, but were unable to find a suitable location for the new studio, so they decided to go home and give it another try the following evening ... about a mile or so away from arriving back at the Beefeater place, Luther spied something lying in the ditch beside of the road, something big ... curious as to what it was, he slowly pulled up next to the motionless object ... lying there in the ditch was a beautiful, enormous lynx, or bobcat as it's commonly called ... the big cat appeared to be in perfect condition, as if it was just resting or maybe asleep ... Lamar blew the horn while he and Luther yelled as loud as they could, but the animal didn't budge ... it must be dead, so Lamar had Luther get out and poke it with a stick just to make sure ... Luther DooLittle reluctantly obliged, but the critter still didn't move, the boys couldn't tell by looking if the animal had been shot by a poacher or struck by a passing vehicle, but it was deader than a doornail! ... suddenly Lamar was stricken with a great idea ... he would scoop up that dead wildcat, take it back to the garage studio, perform his magic by mounting it, sell it for a pretty penny, then apply the money toward rental payments for his new shop ... so he and Lester gently hoisted the pristine carcass into the back of his daddy's covered pickup truck bed and closed the door ... as good as money in the bank, pure profit ... Lamar could hardly wait to show his daddy this valuable find!
The boys rushed home and Lamar hit the button opening the garage door just as he slid the truck to a quick stop inside, the door closed automatically behind them ... Lamar began yelling for Henry to come out to the studio so he could show off his newly acquired treasure ... Henry came running out of the house so fast he forgot to close the door between the garage and the kitchen just as Lamar turned the latch opening the truck's bed cover door ... the last words anybody can remember being spoken before the screams began were those of Lamar ... "daddy, look what I found!" ... it began as a low growl and rapidly grew into a shrill, piercing squall -- the growl came from the cat, the squall came from Lamar! ... in a flash, every moving part on that bobcat was doing just that as it emerged far from deceased from that truck bed ... teeth and claws came into contact with every living and non-living surface in that garage, many times over ... Luther, Henry and Lamar all had their clothing torn to shreds in a matter of seconds, along with their skin ... all of Lamar's taxidermy equipment and supplies were strewn about the concrete floor, along with every stuffed masterpiece previously sitting on shelves and in cabinets, all destroyed ... but that wasn't the worst of it ... the beast was now headed from the garage through the open door leading to the kitchen where Lamar's mama Maude was fixin' to fry a mess of cheesy taters in her big ol' cast iron skillet ... fearful for his mama's safety, Lamar screamed at the top of his lungs ... "look out mama, that thing ain't dead!" ... a few tense moments passed, then a sickening sound rang out in the kitchen -- BONG!!! -- then silence ... Henry and the boys held their breath until Maude calmly and coolly announced ... well it's dead now, come get it out of my kitchen!" ... Lamar has since recovered and moved into his new studio ... sitting for sale in the window is a magnificent and majestic creature ... one stuffed and mounted pug-nosed bobcat!