Dueling Dimwits! ...

As you well may know, Lamar Beefeater and Luther DooLittle were lifelong friends ... as with all such relationships there are those times when mild spats and disagreements do occur ... such was the case for a stretch of several days during one particular summer ... Lamar and Luther had been at each others' throats over first one thing then another and threatening to fight at the drop of a hat ... their behavior was so bad and annoying that folks around those parts had begun to take notice.

One day the boys had gone over to the General Store to pick up a tin of Days Work snuff for Grandma DooLittle, and as usual they broke out in a boisterous argument which appeared to be coming to a head ... now the worst thing about it was that Lamar Beefeater didn't even have a dog in this fight, literally ... the argument was over who had the best coonhound ... Luther DooLittle firmly insisted that his Redbone hound "Leon" was the best coondog east of the Mississippi River, while Lamar Beefeater adamantly declared that Grandpa DooLittle's Bluetick coonhound named "Blue" was the better hunter by far, on both sides of "Ojibwe" ... Luther claimed that Leon was so good that he knew before hand which tree a coon was likely to climb when being pursued, so the old Redbone would casually stroll to that tree and patiently await the coon's arrival ... not to be outdone, Lamar made the asseveration that Blue was such a relentless tracker that all the coons in the woods realized that they didn't have a chance of escaping once the big Bluetick got on their scent, so Grandpa DooLittle would simply station the majestic hound on top of his pickup and coons would walk right up and jump into the truck bed and surrender ... and on and on it went.

Now Ansel Poteet and Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt were sitting as usual on the front porch at the General Store playing checkers ... you probably already know that Virgil Hunnicutt is almost deaf and nearly blind, being way over one hundred years old and said to be a near genius with an astronomically elevated IQ ... when Uncle Virgil heard the commotion between the loud-mouthed Luther and Lamar it irritated him to no end, he was tired of listening to their interminable pettifogging ... he had to think of something to silence that pair of earsplitting dimwits and restore peace and tranquility ... so he summoned the bickering lads over to him and informed them just how ridiculous and childish their arguing back and forth had become, especially out in public ... that they should settle their differences once and for all, and go on about their business while conducting themselves as grown men should ... "how?" they asked ... without even blinking an eye or looking up from the checkerboard Uncle Virgil replied "with a pugilistic duel!" ... "a what?" asked Lamar ... "a bare knuckle fist fight" answered Virgil ... "great idea, but how?" enquired the now wide-eyed Luther ... Uncle Virgil went on to say "I want you boys to stand back to back ... when I say go you start pacing ... when you start pacing I'll start counting ... when I'm done counting I'll say stop ... when I say stop you boys turn and begin swinging your fists  ... now git to it!" ... the boys looked at each other and simultaneously nodded in agreement, then proceeded to stand back to back ready to commence dueling ... Lamar reckoned there was just one more detail in question "just how many paces are you going to count to Mister Hunnicutt?" ... a wry grin crept up the corners of the ol' man's mouth as he raised his head for the first time and retorted with a chuckle ... "'bout a thousand!"


--sja