Uncle Virgil Hunnicutt had settled on the resolute conclusion that his on again off again relationship with the Widow VanMeter was likely headed nowhere, particularly with that meddlesome busybody Birdie Mae Poteet residing right next door to her ... so he dumped the Widow outright ... before long Uncle Virgil became tragically submersed in a deep slough of loneliness, and thus figured it high time that he somehow find a less socially entangled companion--no less by way of a "mail order bride" service ... so he directly sent for their catalog ... now even though Virgil was nearly blind, he was a voracious reader, made possible by a thick-lensed monocle commonly held to his right eye, and although practicable as far as perusal of simple text was concerned, the vintage eyeglass caused photographs to appear more than a bit obscure ... but Virgil read anything and everything he could get his hands on, subscribing to various and sundry magazines and newspapers ... well, Uncle Virgil's long-anticipated "Mail Order Bride" catalog finally arrived in his mailbox, along with a dozen or so other assorted magazines ... Virgil retrieved the armful of mail, rushed inside and carelessly tossed it all on the kitchen table, which included letters and other reading materials, then following a quick lunch anxiously commenced poring over the photos with the greatest of interest and enthusiasm.
After hours of excruciatingly intense searching Uncle Virgil selected three photos of particular appeal from amongst hundreds of others and encircled each with a Sharpie ... ah they were three beauties too, however Virgil desired a second opinion, so he summoned Grandpa DooLittle to come over and critique his selections ... besides, who was more level-headed and straightforward than Grandpa DooLittle? ... well, Grandpa soon arrived and after consuming several glassfuls of Virgil's homemade apple cider sat down to take a gander at Virgil's potential mates ... "what do you think Gramps, some real lookers huh?" announced Virgil ... "uh ... uh huh ... them's some mighty fine lookin' heifers there Virgil" Grandpa half-heartedly declared, then added "is these here the ones yer pickin' yer future lady from?" ... "why yes they certainly could be, but I don't appreciate your referring to those lovely Mail Order Bride catalog girls as heifers!" exclaimed an obviously perturbed Virgil Hunnicutt ... understandably amused and bemused Grandpa DooLittle replied "well why didn't you say so in the beginnin'? ... Virgil Hunnicutt, I know that you know that I ain't never been one to frivolously besmirch folks' good looks, intelligence or lack of either ... as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ... and to each his own ... but them there heifers IS heifers, and that there "catalog" where you picked 'em from is the Horse & Livestock Trader Magazine ... that there Mail Order Bride catalog is a layin' right there beneath the table on the floor!"
--sja
