The Big Bang! ...

Some years ago, a day or so leading up to a particular July Fourth celebration, Lamar Beefeater and his chief cohort in fatuity, the infamous Luther DooLittle, resolved that they should mosey into town for the purpose of acquiring a ready supply of cheap, bootleg fireworks ... as luck would have it, as the eager lads ambled past the bustling Piggly Wiggly grocery store, lurking at the far end of the parking lot stood an enterprising, young highwayman clandestinely peddling all sorts of "discount" fireworks from the back of an old, beat-up De Soto automobile, its cavernous rear compartment chockful of an extensive gallimaufry of black-market explosive devices and combustible items consisting of Roman candles, bottle rockets, sparklers, Cherry bombs, skyrockets, firecrackers ... and a colossal object the size and shape of a three pound coffee canister ... the ominous words "DANGER" and "FLASHPOWDER" clearly and boldly imprinted down its side ... this behemoth resembled those the local fire department sets off down by the riverside as the main feature of each annual Fourth of July celebration ... and it was just as prodigious ... Luther and Lamar hurriedly made their selections ... first choice most definitely being that of the "big bomb" ... the generally hardfisted boys reluctantly forked over the agreed upon pecuniary amount ... a classic case of parsimony melding with pettifoggery as both parties seemingly made out like raiding brigands in the amerciable transaction ... before heading homeward with their priceless pyrotechnics in tow, Luther and Lamar patronized the Piggly Wiggly purchasing a couple of gigantic, discounted watermelons and were now broke flatter than week-old roadkill on a busy L.A. freeway, albeit filled with excitement and anticipation at the thought of carrying out the cretinous plans they had concocted for that evening.

As soon as the boys arrived back at Lamar's daddy's place they placed the heavy, ripe watermelons on the wooden corn crib floor, then spread out the fireworks right next to the melons ... the very same corn crib floor where Lamar Beefeater had previously suffered a catastrophic failure during the developmental stages of his "time travelin' machine" ... but I'll reserve that fatuous tale for another day ... so a systematic strategy was quickly formulated in which they would devour the smaller of the two watermelons, then gouge a hole in the larger remaining melon and insert the big bomb, now affectionately known as "Big Bertha," and with the words "DANGER" and
"FLASHPOWDER" clearly and boldly imprinted down its side, right inside of that watermelon ... then "touch 'er off!" ... so Luther propped up that big melon with the hole gouged in its center right there in the middle of the dusty corn crib floor while Lamar carefully slid "Big Bertha" down inside of it ... then Luther lit the short homemade fuse with his daddy's Zippo lighter and the hapless duo charged as fast as their brogues could carry them out of that corn crib and into the dense woods behind the Beefeater property.

Well, a minute or so passed by and nothing happened, Luther and Lamar were about to return to the corn crib fraught with disappointment at the thought of possibly having purchased a dud ... then suddenly there was this Brobdingnagian explosion ... (((KAABOOOOOOOMMMMM)))!!! ... an explosion of cosmic proportions shook the earth for miles around nearly knocking it from its axis, surpassed in magnitude only by that of the Mount Vesuvius eruption, accompanied by a towering fireball and rising plumes of thick, black smoke ... this followed by numerous other blasts of lesser intensity and significance ... now Lamar's mama Maude, upon hearing the grand explosion from her kitchen, unaware of the presence of any explosive materials, and thinking that Lamar and Luther were supposedly out in the corn crib simply consuming watermelon, was now certain that a tragic accident had most assuredly occurred and that both Lamar and Luther might either be in dire straights or perhaps even dead ... so she ran out the kitchen door and rushed toward the corn crib to investigate and check on the welfare of the wretched pair ... as she approached the corn crib, which was now in flames and missing most of its roof, she saw what appeared to be chunks of some sort of red substance strewn about in every direction and splattered all over what was left of the floor and walls of the old shed, along with several pieces of whitish looking fragments, bits of rind and watermelon seeds ... then it struck her ... Lamar and Luther had been blown to smithereens!! ... overcome with instant grief, Maude let out this awful, long and loud, bloodcurdling scream, sank down face first right into the worst of that pile of gory muck and fainted away dead to the world ... now Lamar, upon hearing his mama Maude's anguished squall, came running from the woods, Luther DooLittle right at his heels, to see what the matter was ... there they found wooden planks and sheets of metal roofing scattered all across the yard amongst watermelon remains and what was left of the still flaming corn crib ... as Lamar inched his way toward the door for a peek, there lay his mama Maude's apparently lifeless body face down in all that mess ... that's when it struck him ... his mama Maude had been kilt in that explosion!! ... then he too passed out and dropped face down onto that pile of gory muck right beside his mama Maude ... poor Luther DooLittle now filled with awestruck wonder and befuddlement straightaway broke into a dead run toward home.

Now Lamar's daddy Henry had watched this entire sequence of events unfold from start to finish from the comfort and relative safety of the barn ... and could hardly contain himself, convulsing in laughter as he came to the aid of his fallen wife Maude and hapless son Lamar ... after dumping a bucketful of cold water on the duo, thus bringing them both back to the land of the conscious and living, he recounted in graphic detail just how they had come to be in such a miserable and precarious position ... last I heard, Maude was still vexedly combing the countryside, rolling pin in hand, in search of the fleeing Lamar ... who has been hiding in the woods ... surviving on wild herbs ... acorns ... and chunks of seared watermelon rinds!


--sja